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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on May 28, 2012 22:08:48 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 88973.13
What am I supposed to do? I feel like two completely different people pushed inside the same body. For awhile I was starting to feel as if I was coming to terms with myself, but now I keep having to bury down that emotional part of me or risk completely losing control.
Operation Thor's Hammer was a success, but it was costly. Seven percent of the crew died during that single mission, most of them being individuals who worked directly under me, who I had been training and preparing so that they might avoid this fate. In a single mission, I lost half of my security department, many dead, almost all of them injured. Logically I understand that these were worthwhile deaths on a successful mission to remove a serious threat to the Federation, but looking at the list of dead, I can remember almost all of them as people, not just numbers.
Normally after a successful mission there is celebration and excitement, but with the numbers down as much as they are with my security teams, with so many lost or injured, it has been somber. We don't even have time to grieve or recover as we're still under the flag of war. None of us are automatons, the stress is beginning to take it's toll on my teams. They are getting worn down, even as they attempt to give it their all. I am proud of my people, they hardly even complain, and I'm certain it is because they do not wish to tarnish the sacrifices made by their comrades... or perhaps, like me, they can't let themselves think about it too much or they will fall apart.
It feels wrong to say this, but if it were merely losing my own people on a valuable mission, I believe I could continue on longer, but now I'm starting to question myself. We found the Vigilance, damaged and abandoned, and I wasn't prepared for the surge of emotions. Arthur... I was in his quarters, he still remembered me after all this time. I found the puck he kept from that one time I made him play with me, and his personal logs talked about how he'd been keeping track of me after I'd been recovered. I... I had taken it for granted that those I used to know had simply left me dead in their memories, like my father had. My new appearance, my new way of thinking, I'd let it all act as a buffer that made me a new person who merely carried the ghost of another's memories.
This pain, this rage bubbling deep inside of me is my own, and it's destroying those barriers I'd put up to protect myself. I can't rebury them. I can't pretend I'm not me anymore. I was happy to finally start building a new me, and now it's all in shambles.
For now I intend to channel this toward our enemy. The Klingon Empire is ruled by those who raise themselves up on the suffering of others, and they will be brought down from where they stand. A part of me fears for what I will do to them if I lose grip on my leashed fury.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Jul 14, 2012 9:12:22 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 90390.32
I have been ignoring this for far to long, and the fact that I have been busy is no excuse. For our week of... vacation, I obviously had no opportunity to make a log because I was rather busy, but all through Department Head training? There was plenty of work to do, but I'd honestly been studying for it since I was assigned on the Adagio. I suppose the fact that I took some of that time to explore my non-work related interests is positive, though.
I don't really know why I didn't bother writing logs during my medical leave, though, it was the time when it probably would have been most important to deal with the major changes I was dealing with. I... don't know exactly if I feel like a new person, but I certainly feel more like my old self. I don't know if my crew mates would really notice, because even I will admit I've always been a bit too serious.
Honestly, it's probably because I felt so torn up that I've been avoiding writing here. It's easier to lie to yourself about how you feel when you don't have to think about it. After what happened to the crew during our last few weeks on assignment... you can't be responsible for those sorts of losses, we did our best, but you wonder if you'd been better at training them, would more of us have made it through?
Now that we're back on assignment, I've been doing everything I can to drill my new security officers and make them the best they can be. I managed to put them through their paces, and they've been doing rather well. I don't know if it's organizing them with our remaining veteran security as team leaders or the additional holodeck training missions based on the encounters that hit us the hardest, but they absolutely exceeded normal expectations.
It still hurts to know that I will lose more of them... we're at war, and they are this ship's front line. The calculations are easy: we are trained to fight, and each of us that fights to our last moment has probably saved a half dozen others who would not do as well. It's a trade all of us hope to never have to make, but those of us who survive know that the longer this war continues, the more likely it is we'll have to make it.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Jul 30, 2012 20:20:46 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 89130.61
Nothing I do seems to work for me anymore; how can I hope to handle all of these feelings without being overwhelmed? Burying them just keeps pushing me away from who I wish to be, and letting them out will only push me too far in the other direction.
I've already dishonored myself... my uniform... my ship...
I never cared much for old tales of devils that would goad and tempt the hero toward their own fall, but if Mr. Conroy is that to me, then I have proven myself far weaker than those heroes as I let him force me to abandon my very moral core. I enforce the rules, especially the rules to maintain discipline and order, and I simply let myself toss them aside because Aidan's words strike at my very heart like a dagger. If I could be that cold, heartless monster that so many thought I was... right now I almost wish I was.
Why does killing have to come to me so much more easily than handling other people? I pray for the end of these wars, and I treat it as my very goal, but where does someone like me fit into that perfect world I want so much? I call myself a protector, but I am destruction. I was, by some miracle of numbers, saved from the prison that the Borg placed me in, and yet I've never thought once about using my skills to try to save others. A disabled one lay at my feet, and rather than give any consideration for trying to call the ship, see if perhaps we might be able to liberate another from that prison... I simply fired a shot into its... into his face, without a twinge of pain or guilt.
Can we really be as just as we claim to be if we don't do everything in our power to help those who were taken by force and twisted to violence against their will? Why do I get to be the exception when there are those whose lives were more innocent that are lost simply because it is inconvenient to think about the fact that they were once like us?
I don't know what to do... if I were to hesitate in battle, I could cost so many lives... I know that I would have preferred being killed to being forced to do the things that I did, but its possible to save them, I am proof of that. We put so much work and effort into figuring out how we might kill the Borg, but so little into discovering how to rescue those who were forced into the Collective...
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Aug 18, 2012 17:52:10 GMT -5
Anja' Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 89164.96
It's starting to feel as though every piece of my past that I come in contact with has fallen apart. First we discover the Vigilance, every member of its crew either dead or missing... then while exploring a damaged Saber-class ship with Borg signals broadcasting from it, we find only one survivor, Takkerra... I hadn't spoken with her since my last leave before I joined the Anti-Borg Task Force, and there we found her, assimilated and damaged.
It's amazing she was even alive, given the condition the ship was in. Doctor Jaril and Commander Arnimane began procedures to try to liberate her, and I was asked for my help. They asked a few questions about what she'd been like, and then said I could stay and watch if I wanted, but... how could I want to? I know it wasn't intentional, but it felt so cruel; who would want to see a friend being cut open in an effort to restore them to who they used to be? Especially when they knew exactly what it was like. It hurts just thinking about it, let alone watching them. I'd have still stayed if there was anything I could do, but I'm not a doctor, and Commander Arnimane knows far more about how Borg work than I do.
Ultimately, I don't even know what to make of what's happened. My room mate from the Academy turns up as the sole survivor on a horribly damaged ship after being assimilated... it's like my history is repeating itself, except she's thankfully lucky enough that it was only a month or so, and it was a Federation ship. If everything is successful and she makes it through the initial surgeries, I can only hope that she's lucky enough to have an easier time recovering than I did...
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Nov 11, 2012 18:52:24 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 90313.98
Sometimes its good to get your head into a different role than you're used to. I was stationed at Tactical for our latest operation, and rather than standing around quietly as I make alterations in response to any security threats or details about our ground operations, I ended up having to handle three to four different tasks at any given moment.
It took more effort, but it was stimulating, to a certain degree, I had to be instantly reactive while attempting to take control over a number of critical situations. Quite honestly, I don't know why, given the stressors of the position, that Lt. Conroy is so horribly opposed to receiving any sort of assistance.
I don't know if he simply has difficulty taking advise in general or whether he simply bristles when dealing with me, but we have to work together and I intend to put in some more effort to give him the opportunity to show that he can, ultimately, be a willing team player. I hope he can overcome whatever inadequacies he has as I try to make my suggestions sound less critical.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Nov 23, 2012 20:19:22 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 90336.61
We had officer reviews this week, and it led to quite a lot of work for me; one of the little problems with running the largest staff on a ship. I got some assistance from Ensign Hicks, after he stopped blaming me for causing him so many problems by having him commissioned. If he ever writes memoirs of his career, I suspect there will be an entire chapter about how I ruined him, but he's started saving his complaints for special occasions now.
Overall, reviews were good, most of the people serving aboard the Adagio put in requests to serve here based on the ship's good name, and no one wants to be the one to put a smudge on it. Or perhaps they're just scared of me... but a good security chief needs to be a little bit scary, I suppose.
My own review was... overall quite good. The Captain and Commander Binet have actually recommended me for promotion to Lieutenant Commander... Truthfully, I had come to think I'd be stuck where I am for the rest of my career. Every time I've gotten close to promotion, fate, or more recently my poor judgement, have gotten in the way. At this point, I half expected that my review would get deleted by some computer error caused by a Goldbergian series of events.
The only sour note, as has become almost routine now, is with Lt. Conroy. I just can't understand how not to come across as some threat to him. He's of the impression that I have it in for him and simply want him gone, and although I can admit that life would be easier without him, I don't intend to make my life simpler at his expense if it can be avoided. The Captain suggested speaking with him more positively, but I worry that he'll think I'm plotting something if I act nice to him.
One way or the other, time will tell.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Dec 4, 2012 13:44:00 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 90362.9
So it finally happened, I got that half pip after... it's been nearly a decade since my last promotion. I mean, I was MIA for over half that time, but I'd given up on my career really going much further. Before I was assigned to the Adagio, I'd never even expected to be in charge of much more than a single security detail again.
It's amazing how much of a difference a year can make; being here on the Adagio has done more for me than I ever really imagined any new assignment could. It has me looking at my own future again, wondering what else I might be able to accomplish.
Aside from my career, I've finally managed to finish up some of my holodeck programs for the ship hockey league to the point where we should be able to kick it back up into gear. Notices are going up, and with luck we'll get a big enough interest to get more than two teams this time.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Dec 14, 2012 22:21:32 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 90313.98
We've gotten underway again, out to explore the Rolor Nebula and, hopefully, hunt down those pirates who caused us so much grief the last time we went underway. This time we don't have any civilian volunteers acting as bait, which I personally find preferable. Captain Conway may not be as much trouble as his elder brother proved to be in the past, but honorable intentions or not, I'm not fond of the idea of placing civilians in danger.
This means I've put a bit of a delay on starting up the Adagio Hockey League season, which is good because all of these offers to join in are in complete disarray. If this is how people turn in reports to their supervisors, I'm glad that I've managed to scare Security into filling forms out properly; some of these requests list positions from entirely different sports.
I am looking forward to getting things going, regardless of the trouble it might cause me. I haven't had a whole lot of opportunities to play against anything except holo opponents, and unless the program glitches, they're a lot easier to read than a real opponent.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Dec 22, 2012 11:13:06 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 90409.52
It's become apparent that we haven't been working hard enough to make certain that the crew is prepared for unusual combat situations. On our most recent away mission, attempting to investigate an energy source that we believed might be related to the Rolor Nebula pirates, the native fauna proved hostile, and with its size sent the away team into chaos. We'd been tethered, and so the fact that retreat was being undertaken at an individual rate could have gotten all of us killed. Fortunately there were no injuries, but the Captain has tasked me and Commander Binet with improving our SOP on away missions.
For my part, I'm going to initiate further mandatory training for all departments; they don't need to reach the same level as my security teams, but they need to be able to stay somewhat controlled in a chaotic situations... especially considering the Captain has informed me that we'll be heading toward New Romulus. Reports show that the Tal'Shiar has had some problems with the direction the Romulans have been taking.
The only positive thing to note is that the Captain decided to submit me for potential Command training. It still seems weird to me that I'm moving forward again; I'd more or less resigned myself to a holding pattern where all I hoped for was a longer stay on a ship than a few months.
I've made progress, but I can't let myself get complacent.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Feb 25, 2013 12:10:00 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 90580.47
I'm not invincible... I've never put much thought into it, but part of me wonders if on some level I'd started to take it as some sort of truth, but even with all of my training, my equipment, and the nanites flowing through my body, I can be hurt.
During our latest assignment, a search and rescue operation for a group of Romulan miners with which the New Romulus government had lost contact, the moon we were on was attacked by Romulan Raptors, probably aligned with the Tal'Shiar, and possibly linked to the weapon currently designated the "Dragon." At the time the captain and I were attempting to rappel down a damaged elevator shaft when the attack hit the moon. I was knocked loose from my line and fell to the bottom of the shaft. I was knocked unconscious and suffered from a dislocated shoulder.
It's apparent that even after being revived that I was not in optimal condition, because I made a number of tactical missteps that could have had disastrous consequences if the miners had been more blood thirsty with their automated defenses. It's due to the skill of our crew and luck that we managed to rescue the miners who had survived the initial attack from the presumed Tal'Shiar while the Adagio and the Circe dispatched the two Raptors that attacked.
I will, however, need to speak with the Armory about making certain away gear is in peak condition. My rappelling gear should have belayed my descent the moment I lost control. I hit the walls of the shaft with a fair amount of force, but for my gear to fail that much means that it was most likely already suffering some damage. We'll need to go through all of our away mission supplies to discover whether that was poor luck on my part or a more serious concern.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Mar 16, 2013 20:25:39 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 90590.47
Taskforce Avenger has achieved success, the Dragon has been defeated after our numbers were bolstered by additional Federation, Romulan, and Klingon vessels. It must have become apparent even to the mastermind behind its plot that it's reign of terror would come to an end; it's "eyes" were being destroyed quite easily once we knew what to look for, and with our expanded numbers, there was no real hope for escaping.
Captain Talia ordered a ruse to give it clear line toward New Romulus, it's obvious goal and we laid a trap for it; with no way out, it had little choice but to make the attempt. Perhaps the enemy's confidence was partially earned, our trap was sprung before we were in position, and we were forced to employ a number of risky tactics to put a stop to it. They set the weapon to overload, locked on a course for the main colony on New Romulus... and if we hadn't made our gambles, it would have been successful.
While I'm pleased with the success we had, I found myself somewhat ineffective at my post at the Tactical console. I couldn't get weapon power settings and targeting to work as effectively as was needed. Had our gamble not proved a success, then it is possible that the blame for our failure could at least partially be laid on me. I can't allow myself to be complacent, I intend to put further effort into training with the tactical systems to prevent future errors on my part.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Mar 30, 2013 10:32:19 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 90645.73
It seems as though this crew and the Conway brothers are linked in some ways. Ever since our first encounter with Willard P. Conway, which based on the charges filed against the man meant we likely wouldn't have seen him again for a decade or more, we've constantly been running into both him and his brother Derek.
At first, these encounters seemed purely negative, but I'd been somewhat hopeful that this would change; the last time we ran into W.P. Conway on Vanguard Station, he seemed like he'd actually changed for the better, although it's possible he only seemed better in comparison to Lt. Conroy's horrible behavior. And his brother, despite his suspect business arrangements, has always proved to be helpful and brave... if a bit difficult to deal with.
This connection has struck again, though, and now, after Captain Derek Conway came to us with concerns about his missing brother, the Adagio is making way to the Azure Nebula to look for Willard Conway. Perhaps this will help explain more about the connection between Willard Conway and Starfleet Intelligence.
But I don't have time to speculate at the moment, it won't be long before we return to the nebula, and the Captain's placed the duty of overseeing ship preparations in my hands. The center chair on the bridge has a very different view...
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Apr 20, 2013 17:23:42 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 90706.91
While on my temporary 'light duty' status following the assault on the pirate base, I've been reminded that my idea of light duty apparently still counts as 'full duty' to most. It's a good thing that Ensign Hicks made it out of our mission unharmed or else Lt. Commander Carter would probably be a bit overwhelmed taking up my slack. It doesn't help that I'm currently handling both Security and Tactical departments as well as taking shifts at conn.
I have an appointment scheduled in sickbay during which I expect I'll be given permission to return to active duty. Honestly, I believe I was adequately recovered nearly a week ago, but I won't argue with our Chief Medical Officer.
This has given me some time to pick up the violin again... I find that I'm rather out of practice, though. I had some difficulty with my fingers at first, but it's starting to come back to me. As busy as I keep myself, it can be difficult to remember that there are ways to relax that don't involve so much physicality. I think I'll attempt to make time at least twice a week from now on to practice.
On notes more related to my duties, Delta took quite a beating on the assault. Everyone will recover, but quite a lot of our gear was in bad shape. I've put in a requisition for some new equipment and apparently the Quartermasters have some new ground gear they're quite pleased with. It's based on some KDF designs and appears well designed for heavy assault. When I'm cleared, I'll need to give it a test run to determine if Delta will be able to make use of it in the future.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Jun 24, 2013 15:10:58 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log
After the events with the cloud and New Romulus, I'm glad out next assignment is something more routine, an exploration survey through the Azure Nebula. I've spoken with the Captain about our new deployment orders and I should have some extra time for running drills.
It appears that some of the other departments have also decided to get in some more routine work out of the way for the time being, the Science Department has asked for some time to study some of the denser cloud formations in the nebula, and Engineering apparently has some upgrades they'd like to attempt to the communication systems while we're there, Lt. Rater apparently had some ideas about how we might be able to get better reception through unusual clouds following the Cloud Event.
Unfortunately, this means we're likely to be out of communication with the rest of Starfleet for at least a few days, but I'm certain the quadrant can survive without the Adagio for a little while.
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Post by Captain Anja Malitzka on Jun 17, 2014 18:08:39 GMT -5
Anja Malitzka's Personal Log Stardate 91710.12
The last few months have been... eventful. After returning from an assignment which left nearly half the crew dead or injured, we were barely given two weeks of rest before we were called back out onto assignment. At approximately 75% readiness, we were sent back out to investigate the disappearance of a Starfleet Medical vessel, the U.S.S. Michael DeBakey, carrying Klingon injured and prisoners of war back to the Klingon Empire.
Our investigation turned up evidence that the DeBakey had been attacked by Orion pirates, and that they were most likely connected to some operations in the Vesper system. We were forced to go undercover... the experience of completely changing who I was was... unusual. I already tend to process nearly every move I make and every single thing I say, but to so radically change the filters, it makes me wonder in some ways how much of who I am is self-constructed. I'm most comfortable with myself when I choose to be me, or at least what I think of as "me..."
-an extended pause-
...Ultimately, it all lead to an asteroid base not far from the Vesper system. Unfortunately, another operation being made against the pirates by the KDF apparently spooked them and they were ready to flee. Our operation was delayed... and when we went forward with it, all of the pirate vessels began to flee in different directions. I was part of the boarding team to take the station. Two members of Delta were injured and five mercenaries were killed, but we were able to capture the remaining forces left aboard without any additional firefights.
Unfortunately we weren't able to recover any of the captives, and the Bird of Prey carrying the pirate leadership, including a daughter that Master Chief O'Donegan didn't know he had, managed to escape.
As far as operations go, it could be considered successful: we took no casualties, took the majority of the enemy alive, and shut down a hostile operation near both Federation and Klingon boarders, but regardless of that it felt like a failure. Doctor Jaril's husband was one of the medical officers on the DeBakey... she's been in mourning since. Mr. O'Donegan's unknown daughter has eluded us, and will likely continue to participate in mercenary activity.
...And, although it feels selfish to think this, I was hoping that these pirates might have been related to the slavers who are believed to have at least briefly held onto the remaining crew of the Vigilance. No new information about them has appeared and I'm torn between being distraught that I still don't know where they are or thankful that I'm not forced to suffer the immediate pain of knowing I'll never see them again.
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