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Post by Captain Elizabeth Razzor on Oct 9, 2019 10:56:52 GMT -5
Not long after she had gotten her 'ghoulish crew' to settle upon either their 'armoring' tasks or getting their needed food and rest, Liz stepped outside of the assigned hut. She readjusted her sword's sheath and sat back leaning on the horse post. She took a breath and calmly once more assess their situation, her gae sweeping the street and out to the horizon with a practiced almost casual by now methodicalness. A part of her was trying not to concentrate on just how easily she had once again adapted to this situation, made more apparent to her by the vast difference between her crew's reaction to what had happened to them all in comparison to her own.
Nazgul, she thought to herself...
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Post by Lt Cmdr Valérie Chalóns on Oct 9, 2019 11:35:15 GMT -5
Not too long after, Valerie slipped out of the hut too, heading for the horses, before noticing Liz there, contemplative. She sighed, heading over to her captain.
"Are you alright?" The delta asked, lightly placing her hand on Liz's forearm. "I cannot exactly imagine you are not zhinking of zhings... a bit 'eavier zan most."
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Post by Captain Elizabeth Razzor on Oct 9, 2019 17:21:11 GMT -5
Liz had been aware of her presence long before she spoke however to be polite she gave the appearance of being startled out of her deep thoughts. "Comes with the neato extra pips hon.."
"I'm super thanks for askin'..." She added with her usual playful tone. "and you?"
"I am like gonna guess no, given your super awes skipper said it was rest and eaty time and well here ye be!" She offered Val a playful wink.
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Post by Lt Cmdr Valérie Chalóns on Oct 9, 2019 19:05:40 GMT -5
"I am resting. Came to see ze 'orses..." She went to stroke one of the animals manes. "And you do not 'ave to pretend for my sake, you know."
"I guess I do not 'ave to pretend for your sake too, 'owever... not quite doing good, Liz." Val said, playing with the horse genty. "Does not 'ave a whole lot to do wiz zis place or situation too."
"Since we are 'ere already... I 'ave been meaning to speak wiz you for a while. At first, Zee 'eld me back, zen you simply did not 'ave ze time..." Val paused again, clearly giving her words some thought.
"Now. Do not take anyzhing I say as a personal or proffessional attack. I am simply being 'onest wiz you, as you deserve. I 'ave been un'appy on zis ship for a while, significantly more so after Zee left. 'Owever... let us say I 'ave made a promise to a friend not to quit just yet. So tell me - what must I do to finally be noticed by you, Liz? 'Ow do I stop being overlooked?" Her emerald eyes buried into Liz's for now.
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Post by Captain Elizabeth Razzor on Oct 10, 2019 12:23:50 GMT -5
Liz smirked at the pretending comment as her eyes kept moving about the area as she listened. "No I kinda figured it didn't..."
"Well in my own defense..." She smirked wryly "and as I end up telling Marzz at the time...I so tend to end up a little preoccupied with...work these last few years."
Liz looked over at the last part and smirked a little impishly some. "Well for starters honey, perhaps you might try wearing a tholian silk teddy.." Snaps her fingers and adds. "Oh and a pair of black leather sttiletto thigh highs boots?"
She returned her eyes to the area, methodically watching again..."Alex would look good wearing those too..." then chuckles "Though not exactly as he is right now..."
She then returns her gaze to Val her tone losing much of its Valley girl lilt now.
"Seriously? What are you talking about Val?"
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Post by Lt Cmdr Valérie Chalóns on Oct 10, 2019 12:36:56 GMT -5
Val rolled her eyes at Liz's comments. "Please, I could be wearing latex and a kzari officer cap and you still would not 'op into bed, and I know you well enough..."
Afterwards she sighed, petting the horse, a bit above its snout, for just a moment of silence, before speaking on.
"You know what I mean, Liz. When you came on board, you 'ad told me zat you see big zhings in my future. In my career. And yet I 'ave been trudging along. I feel zat I 'ave barely any auzhority. I can deal wiz Sharpe being promoted over me, but ze fact itself zat someone who is nozhing more zan a sock puppet on Azacri's 'and like Allen outranks me is absolutely offensive to me as a person, and as a proffessional. Not to mention 'aving to listen to Svärd..." Val huffed, calming down herself and her voice before it raised up.
"You 'ave ze second best Delta CO in zis fleet and you know it, I am sure of it. Yet I feel like I am furniture, like I..." She sighs. "No matter. Ze point is... I am missing out on Cynna's childhood. For what? Merde, I cannot answer zat question. At all. To sit on a ship where my career is frozen in ice, and I am alone? I 'ave been zhinking of quitting for so long, but... actually, fuck OPSEC. We are dead, so it technically is not any breach of OPSEC. I 'ad a... "Vision" of an alternate future where ze Dark 'ad almost been killed. More of a living dream. Fear was no longer present in ze universe, ze balance was broken... and I saw zem... 'er and Morticia. Of zat universe. Talked to zem. And... it matters little what zey told me. But... I made a promise to not retire just yet. If I 'ave ze tiniest chance to make sure zat balance will not be broken in our universe."
Val did not look up from the horse, giving just a moment of silence more.
"I just do not feel like I can go on. I know I am your weapon. You know I respect and love you. I just do not know if anyzhing I do matters, when zat is all I will be remembered as when I die. A weapon."
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Post by Captain Elizabeth Razzor on Oct 10, 2019 12:56:46 GMT -5
Liz chuckled some and nods "True enough...but I /would/ notice you then. I am married, not dead."
"Prolly not a good start tearing down others..." Liz shook her head. "As for Allen, that is a tad harsh...but lets just stay on topic about you okies? I know your venting but...these are your shipmates, brothers and sisters in /my/ house."
Liz listens as she watches her and then returns her eyes to the street and the surrounding area. "What hogwash..though not the part about Cynna.."
"You can't let visions of what might be mess with your head Val..you are better than that...we deal with what we have before us one step at a time and act as we always do...as the people that we are...you start worrying about what might have been with what might be universe or timeline...you end up questioning yourself...hesitating...you might even end up doing so when you need to be an arrow in flight."
"That will only end up getting you or those you care about killed...or both." She draws a breath and pasues. "You are better than that and we both know it."
"And you think that little girl of yours sees you as just a 'weapon'? You truly are so thick..you think that is the legacy you will leave behind given what you have done for her and who you have become since the day you found her in that wreck?"
"Most officers I know would have tossed her right to children's services once the ship docked at the citadel..."
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Post by Lt Cmdr Valérie Chalóns on Oct 10, 2019 13:06:13 GMT -5
"Liz... you do not get it. I am no bezzer zan 'er real parents. I 'ave basically tossed 'er aside to your mozher, 'ave I not?" Val raised her voice a bit, tears starting to drop rapidly, Val closing her eyes for a moment, leaning her forehead onto the horse's snout then opening them to continue.
"What will she zhink of me when she grows up? What will I do when she 'ates me as a teenager? Liz, she is ze only good zhing I 'ave in zis galaxy... You and Sharpe are my friends, sure, but wiz bozh of you constantly busy, ze only person I feel I can openly confide in is on a 'olodeck. My parents are a galaxy away and zey are ze only ozher worzhwhile... You are right, I am venting. I know zat most ze zhoughts I 'ave about my career are bullshit, and I am where I deserve to be. But zat does not make me feel any bezzer. At ze end of ze day, I will not even be able to say zat I acted so unfairly to Cynna because of my career... I am just... inexcusable."
"Merde, I should 'ave quit ze moment I took 'er in. And do not worry. Ze last zhing I will do is 'esitate in a fight. Zat appears to be ze only zhing ze universe 'as decided I can be good at - killing."
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Post by Captain Elizabeth Razzor on Oct 10, 2019 15:18:12 GMT -5
"Oh horsesht Val " She shook her head. "Her 'guardians' were using her as child labor and to receive further food rations..there was no love nor attention paid there...that probe was her only friend until you came along." "You are her mommy...and she is very much aware of that and the fact that she is loved..."
Liz chuckle some "Well for one thing...she is gonna act like she hates you as a teenager no matter what you do...that is part of being a teenage girl." She looks up at Val again. "Seriously? Quit? Sure..perfect choice..."
"Because the one thing that children and potential partners adore in someone is the depressed and unemployed..." She shook her head again. "What you do aboard the ship makes a difference in people's lives....we do it because we can...we make a difference every day Val in people's lives..."
"Cynna knows this and looks up to you...and if you miss her...why do you not let her return to the ship? I went to bat for you back when you wanted that..."
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Post by Lt Cmdr Valérie Chalóns on Oct 10, 2019 15:23:20 GMT -5
"Fuck potential partners, Liz." Val rolled her eyes, then wiped at them with a palm.
"I do not care about zat, Cynna is my priority... and as such, she should be on ze Citadel... she 'as friends... she is studying properly.. she absolutely adores Stephanie... and... Liz, you know what situations zis ship 'as been in in ze past year, bezzer zan anyone. Putting a child in such danger would be... cruel, egoistical and totally irresponsible! Stars' sake, we are technically dead at zis very moment!"
Val sat down nearby, after kicking a rock away.
"I know zat I 'ave made ze right choice to put 'er away from ze ship. I do. I just wish I could be wiz 'er... and I 'ave been feeling less and less like we 'elp people. Nor zat I can be forgiven for who I was."
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Post by Captain Elizabeth Razzor on Oct 10, 2019 15:50:33 GMT -5
"Yeah screw them! "Liz noded non committedly "I mean you only just mentioned how alone you felt as part of misery but who needs partners..do go on though..."
"Okies sweetie..let go down this list as you ordered them..." She nodnodd to Val as she began...her eyes returning to sweeping over the landscape...
"Cynna as the priority...okies...yes she has friends there..she was studying properly aboard the ship...so that is a straw man or you didn't discipline her studies right..I used to study at her age sitting in the middle of archaeological dijistes with mom and dad digging in the dirt...in a hole right near me...so location has nada to do with studying properly..."
"Who doesn't adore my Mom....Cynna is in danger aboard the Citadel...hell she is in danger no matter where ya send her..she is a child and either galaxy is unsafe for children..." Liz shook her head. "Val for centuries children have lived on base or castle with their parents...for god's sakes children lived on military bases on Earth that for decades were ICBM targets....Its a part of the life we live.."
"Again in my own defense...with us being dead and all now....Cynna would not have been on the away team...so technically if she was aboard the Gig.she would still be alive..I only got you and Alex killed...I didn't wipe out all three of you...so there is that."
"Yeah...all of those on Xert we helped save by taking out an entire fleet on our own...def didn't save any lives or make diff to their families that those we saved by doing that...nope as wasted effort there."
"We deffo didn't make a diff for anyone's lives when we spared the Zor from that bio-agent...or chased away those bugs...nope...not one mark left on anyone's lives..."
Her eyes narrowed at the last part "Who you were? " a dry chuckle slips from her lip. "You were not a death commando Val..you were making a difference for the most part then..of course you can forgive yourself..."
"If you were what you /think/ you were....you would not give tinker's damn about Cynna or what she thought about you..."
"If you were what you think you were...you would have handed that child off to children's services...or at the very extreme end..put two in her head and one in her chest to end her suffering and get on with your mission."
Liz shakes her head. "You are no monster Val...not even close...trust me."
"So stop telling yourself that you are...you were a delivery /messenger girl for Avalon ...not a villain."
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Post by Lt Cmdr Valérie Chalóns on Oct 10, 2019 15:56:28 GMT -5
"Partners... Liz, I know my worzh. Sure, I may be great fun for a few nights, but zat is what I am good for."
"And Liz... I am so afraid. I know children 'ave lived in such places on Earzh. But zat is so much different. We are not facing conventional warfare. We are facing some crazy bitches wiz godlike powers, who would not give ze tiniest bit of a damn to use Cynna against me. I cannot 'ave 'er be 'armed, do you understand zat? If somezhing 'appens to 'er I may as well just shoot myself. I cannot even stomach ze idea of losing 'er."
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Post by Captain Elizabeth Razzor on Oct 10, 2019 16:14:40 GMT -5
"My my my...we are seriously rolling out the pity party tonight ain't we?" She smiles "Its practically a full blown block party after that comment..."
"So....tell me..how would ya feel...if they just up and did that to her on the Citadel...when you are away on the Gig?" Liz looks at her with a deep gaze. "There is no diff...do you think a nuke cared if you shot yourself if it vaporized your family?"
"Don't you see what you are doing here Val?..you are so terrified of losing people..close to you...you have literally made it impossible to set aside such fear...you have made them soo real...you have made it so there is no way to live with any of it..." Liz shrugged..."There is no win..no matter what is said or done for you by anyone...you have made it so not only can no one help you...you are blinding yourself to how others see and treat you."
"You are terrified of the 'it could be's' sooo much...those 'it could be's' are now your reality...." Her eyes narrow.
"If anyone ever took everything away from me....if i was ever gutted like that...if Cynna was mine..and she was murdered...I would set the universe on fire until i got my hands on the ones that hurt her...and when i did...it would not end quickly for them....no matter what i had to do to do so...God like powers or not"
"I've done such things before to such /gifted/ beings...for far less.."
She looks away back to scan the area..."The last thing that would ever occur to me....would be to put a phaser against my own head..."
"You are soo terrified of loss...you will let these monsters take it all...and when they are done...you intend to hand them over the last part of you..."
"Now if you ask me...that is not living...that is surrending..."
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Post by Lt Cmdr Valérie Chalóns on Oct 10, 2019 16:20:22 GMT -5
"Maybe I 'ave needed to get zis all out for quite some time; Liz... comments about pity parties should be kept for ze afterparty."
"And I guess you are right, but... 'ow? Even if I take 'er back, 'ow do I make sure she is protected? I cannot do my job and look over 'er at ze same time. And as much as I love Nine, and she loves Cynna, it is unfair and irresponsible to ask of 'er to do it for me." Val shrugged as well, rolling a rock back and forth with the tip of her boot. "And if you ever zhought I would not take revenge before doing anyzhing to myself, you are dead wrong, I will 'ave you know. And it would be ze old-school way, ze way we know 'ow, no matter what anyone wiz thin skin says."
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Post by Captain Elizabeth Razzor on Oct 10, 2019 16:40:03 GMT -5
Liz smirked at this "Stung a bit eh? Good...it was supposed to Val...that is a good thing."
"Life is rarely so organized and accommodating Val..." She chuckled dryly. "Once you start on the vengeance road...who knows where it leaves one..it rarely means by the end you still want to off yourself...hence my point."
"Look Val, neither cal is wrong...and neither makes you a bad parent hon." Liz looks to her. "You truly do not think that every time someone asks Cynna where is her mommy or what does your mommy do for a living? She does not burst with pride when she tells them?"
"That has a huge impact on her life...pride, self respect...knowing she is loved whether she is with you or she on the Citadel..." she shakes her head. "And having Nine babysit for you during Alpha watch is hardly taking on the mom role from you...ask any working mom going back to the dark ages....that is just silly hon."
'I said what i said...its what I believe...I can only respond to what you say Val." Her tone softened some. "You are avoiding the issue anyways..."
"You are not a horrible mother...either decision is the correct one and one that does not hurt Cynna in regards to having a good parent...She knows she is loved and right this moment...you are and will remain her hero...you are her mother. You are not failing her..."
"Trust me..i know this as well."
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