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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Feb 28, 2012 15:08:58 GMT -5
Personal Log
My neglect of this log is unforgivable, but undeniable. I will make up for this by maintaining it further.
Much has happened since the truth of my father's illegal activities became known. Smuggling romulan refugees illegally. I have... used inside sources to determine that candidates for his network were quite thoroughly screened in an attempt to determine legitimacy and prevent unwanted insurgents. He desired to import the underclasses who truly deserved a better life. Or so it is said.
These revelations of my true genetic heritage have inspired me to attempt to attain that strange balance that I have heard Romulans have... but do so more efficiently without allowing passions and intrigue to dominate. To control emotion without denying it. Am I capable?
So far I have found a delicate balance... and have fallen from it. This endeavour may be without merit, but I am Happy. I feel contentment in the attempt.
... I am comforted by brother Savok's... talks as well. I have little time, there is more to do, and I will elaborate further.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Mar 1, 2012 0:33:59 GMT -5
Personal Log, continued.
This encounter with Lieutenant Williams is... disconcerting. But amusing and pleasurable at once. However, my infidelity was wrong. I will need to consider things long and extensively before further action is taken. I will... alert Tiberius once it is appropriate and he is not adjusting to his current assignment. I would not want to... Am I engaging in deception?
I am concerned slightly for what I am becoming. But I am pleased with the path. I am still a "Good person." I retain Vulcan compassion... but I also desire to have Romulan Cunning. I can prove they can be redeemed. And that they can exist with us in peace.
Also I have an unusual taste in my mouth... No, I must research... something.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Mar 4, 2012 22:25:29 GMT -5
Not good enough. Insufficient.
These thoughts echo in my mind despite how illogical they are. I've regained my composure and returned to acceptable areas of behavior... but the dramatic and sudden exposure of my doubts and fears has forced me to examine them. Even returning to deep meditation and suppressing all emotion would not allow me to forget. So illogical. If I was not sufficiently skilled I would not be here. This is as the captain said but... It will not leave. My doubts and fears, and self worth all made manifest by a psionic disruption.
Matters are further complicated by Lt. William's behavior. As an aside, it was an interesting and enjoyable experiment, but I have never had a relationship with a female Vulcan, let along any female of another species. I am concerned about Tiberius and his considerations on such behavior, and most of all my career. I feel as though I have advanced too quickly. Chief Flight Controller is a department head position. I have not even breached a standard year as a junior officer, let alone the amount of time to receive department head training.
Diamond's desires only further complicate things. Her mind, even with human upbringing, is alien to me. Though I must question her "love" for me. I have read our limited records on her species and she is quite young for her kind... as am I, but despite our lifespans, Vulcans mature quickly...
I do not feel as though I have, however. I don't know... We shall see how shift go tomorrow.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on May 20, 2012 13:46:07 GMT -5
I panicked. I was afraid. I did not follow orders as I should have, openly questioning the captain's judgement.
I had been considering the command track and had been studying on such things. But I am behaving more Romulan than vulcan... There is much tension between myself and Lieutenant Williams. And I Have not had the chance to speak with Tiberius following our disembarking on separate missions. I hope he is well and fear for his safety.
... These are emotions. They are strong and I cannot suppress them. How much stress have I been under? I was a fool to betray him for and experiment. I did not realize that Diamond desired more than I was willing to give. I am lost. Is this stress? Am I being stressed to a breaking point?
Tiberius... I wanted you for my mate but now I have lost you. I endangered a mission with my own confusion and fear. Inability to control my emotional state due to this... I must be removed from active duty until I have solved my issues. Possibly forcibly retired. Permanently.
(( Yep. that self doubt is back))
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Sept 30, 2012 1:59:05 GMT -5
... I have done something improper. I have not recorded a log in some time... but this felt right. I have been "flirting" with Nathan for some time now... no one seems to object to our talks as long as nothing important is going on on the bridge...
But I proceeded on my feelings while we were alone on a turbolift, essentially pouncing and forcing a kiss on him. Not that my advance wasn't accepted. Surprising, but not unaccepted. Human mouths have a strange taste to them... but not uninviting.
Carnal attraction. Psychological attraction. I held him in place and continued this embrace until we reached the crew deck... The rest of the night was awkward, but we engaged in such a way no longer, except for a small kiss on the cheek when I left for the night... I am reminded of my time with Tiberius... Somethign different about this however. Perhaps because he is Human, rather than a hybrid with different thought processes.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Feb 27, 2013 12:22:51 GMT -5
Science division Cross-training. My mother would be so proud. -The sarcasm is dripping off in that dry way only a vulcan(or romulan) can do-
Command work. Interesting. Again. I'm happy with this.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Mar 26, 2013 11:05:20 GMT -5
Stardate: 90651.50
I am beginning to notice a flaw in my abandonment of emotional control... My passions are much stronger. What may have been the lightest show of interest appears to increase exponentially into full attraction... whether it remains this way is... unfortunately short lived. As with diamond... I may involuntarily continue this if I am not careful.
All the more reason to stay away from Nathan... I do not want to hurt him if I stray. Is this how Romulans feel? Is this the extent of their romantic passions? Or does their paranoia temper this tendency to easily infatuate with everyone one meets?
I need answers... where is Janus when I need to speak with him...
No shame at Nathan seeing me... All of my strength to keep from dragging him into that tub.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Apr 1, 2013 0:00:24 GMT -5
*sniffle* I must speak more with the captain. Her passions are great, like others of her race. There must be something I can learn.
I feel out of control again. All of it spilling out into the open. Joy, sadness, madness, rage, lust love, hate... It's all there. All within and coming out.
I have calmed... and I have changed my look. I had been studying the... fashions of old Earth for a time. I remembered something that... interested me. I was vulcan, it was not proper for me to wear such things.
I don't know what I am, so I choose something. Dark makeup to off set my pale skin. Are Lip rings regulation? allowed? Facial piercings?
I already have earrings. Perhaps one through the bottom lip, a little to the right. Two through my left eyebrow. I have made use of holography to experiment with the look. I like it. I will do it. I will remove them later if they are disallowed, but for now I must express.
Perhaps this will distract me from what's within.
Where are you father. I want to know who you really are.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Apr 6, 2013 15:57:02 GMT -5
The swelling is down. I no longer have nearly as heavy a lisp. I am surprised that Molly had any skill in this at all, but I suppose a childhood on a starship on the edges of explored space can create a unique skill set. The stains of green on her hands are a little unsettling, but she has some minor first aid training.
Hmmm... I look in the mirror, and the holographic recreation I used for research does not do it justice. I like this... Speaking on duty for extended periods will make the tongue stud hard to hide, but I suppose when questioned I should simply admit it and stick out my tongue.
I'm smiling. Why am I smiling about this? I am... uncertain of whether this is against uniform code and I have not looked.
But that is because I do not care at this juncture. This has been fun, and Molly says it suits me. That I look "Totes Amazing." If anything I suspect everything but the tongue stud will be allowed.
We shall see on shift today.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Apr 8, 2013 8:53:09 GMT -5
Unacceptable for duty shift. The captain was... accepting of it, but she is correct. It was difficult to speak anyway. I shall wear it while off duty then, so the hole doesn't heal closed. I am keeping the ear piercings however. The rest will have to go during shift.
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