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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Apr 26, 2011 2:57:12 GMT -5
Personal log, Stardate: 88921.37
I have spoken with my loved ones. I do not understand.
Why do I not understand? I suffered and emotional outburst and was forced to remain vague about my injury when reporting to sickbay to have my injury healed.
Why did my eyes tear? Why did I react in anger? Shame. I feel shame for my failure to control myself.
I cannot feel shame. Shame is a weakness. I must collect and move on.
I don't understand. This is madness.
I am assigned to helm... Should I switch my major?
I don't know...
I must perform as required. I will perform as required.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Apr 27, 2011 20:31:20 GMT -5
Personal Log, Supplemental
In speaking with Lieutenant Commander Xaelei, I find myself that much more confused. In the past she has spoken critically of the Vulcan pursuit of Logic, and suppression of emotion most of all. Yet.. in our conversation, she showed nothing but concern. I must report the damage to my quarters to Commander Binet. I am, however, dreading this action. I will no doubt be reprimanded as I deserve. Yet... I am adverse to feeling shame for it. I have felt shame for many things since I could remember. We must always feel shame for our mistakes. This is what Surak taught us. Feel shame for our mistakes and failures.
I have made many mistakes. I do not know if I can bear the shame for all of them. I must suppress this emotion. All of it. But I can't. It's always there. I cannot leave for Vulcan either. I am needed. I was given an escape. A reprieve... but no. I must remain here. No one else in my family believes in me... so I must believe in myself. I have doubts, and the only way to quell them is to prove to myself that this is not in vain. I will remain aboard.
I must also make note that Tiberius Asada is... a fascinating human. I am not sure what to think of him as of yet. Study of him will be an interesting endeavour. And likely a good distraction from my failings.
Also, I require a kal-toh set. That will ease my mind.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Apr 28, 2011 12:13:22 GMT -5
Personal Log, Supplemental
I am conflicted in my certainty of my current endeavour. I have agreed to share a meal with the ensign. Potentially more. Toval has been informed of my desire to at very least delay our bethrothal.
But I must look forward. Tiberius Asada must be prepared for unforeseen consequences should what we are engaging in become any more than an [unusual stress is placed on the rest] experiment.
Is this an experiment? Or... I am not entirely certain what I am doing. What I am... "getting myself into" as it were.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on May 1, 2011 9:28:58 GMT -5
Personal Log, Supplemental [She sounds unsure stating the following] Am I betraying what it is to be Vulcan by doing this?
No. Even as a human, he is an ideal and logical choice. Tiberius is... fascinating. He is physically fit for a human, and well proportioned... some feature reminiscent of Vulcans in his features. Is it antithetical of my nature to note his appearance? That is not the end of his compatibility. His interests are aligned with mine. Skillset is compatible, and as of late, we work in tandem, if at different stations. Logically, he is an excellent choice as companion and potential escalation of relationship from that point.
And yet so quintessentially human. Smell, movement, behavior... activities. What we did after our meal was so very... Human. I still remember the odd taste of his mouth mixed with Plomeek broth, and his scent on my face. As M'Row stated as well. Such a superfluous display of affection. And yet I enjoyed it. To enjoy something of that nature. It is... unusual. I am still confused as to why I did. It was an exchange of fluids and invasion of personal space, yet it felt like a release for my volatile emotions. I have struggled with them most of my life. I am more focused... if slightly distracted by him at moments.
I fear this will effect my duties considerably. It cannot. But I fear also the possibility that ceasing these activities will effect them more so. If I can find balance, perhaps I have found a method of control that I could not accomplish even with dutiful and diligent study of the schools of logic... Though no traditional vulcan would approve of this method.
I am also perturbed by why Lieutenant Ansari and Lieutenant Commander Ariname seem to enjoy... teasing me for this. Tiberius also appears to be a target for their behavior as well. Whatever morass I have entered, I am quite deep now. I see no way behind without disaster, so I will push forward.
Despite my best efforts, I cannot fight an eagerness to allow my personal space be invaded again. Humans should feel fortunate that they do not feel as we do.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on May 1, 2011 9:58:08 GMT -5
Personal Log, Stardate: 88935.90
We began our first engagement of the mission against the Klingons. I am still disappointed in my performance, though Lieutenant Commander Xaelei, Lieutenant Ansari, and Captain zh'Kor herself commend my service and continue to encourage me. I make a mistake and feel as though I've failed them, but they continue give positive feedback. And yet I have twice, absentmindedly, walked into the captain's ready room without pressing the call button. Both times, I was lost in thought... Another personal failing, both times I have received a deserved scolding. I will not make this mistake a third time.
During our preparation time, however, I observed some interesting things. First and foremost, Tiberius was promoted a grade. Lieutenant, Junior Grade Tiberius Asada. I am... [she sounds like she deliberately downplayed her thoughts on it] pleased with this. However I am still attempting to understand fully the superfluous ritual surrounding it. We are an efficient and skilled crew. That should be enough to keep... morale up... but apparently, striking Tiberius on the chest to emphasize the "weight" of his new rank and responsibilities was deemed necessary by the captain. I found myself... displeased with their behavior, good natured and well meaning as it was. However, I took pleasure at his... emotional responses to my observing him. Smiles.
Regardless, I did not allow it to effect my work as I feared it might. Or at least I do not believe it did.
Commander Ariname warned me against obsessing over mistakes, but I feel I have fallen into that trap anyway. It took some time to disregard the mistake. We collided with debris from a destroyed vessel due to my inability to avoid it in time. Casualties, however, were minimal and caused by boarding parties, rather than my own negligence. I realize that... I am simply inexperienced, as they stated, I will endeavour to improve then. On that same subject, Commander Ariname's adaptive simulations are proving to be challenging. I dare admit that I am finding them stimulating. Perhaps even pleasing.
In closing, however, I found myself disappointed that I missed Tiberius during our post shift medical examination. I found myself returning to my own empty quarters to run simulations rather than searching for him. I will need to find him and possibly share plomeek before the beginning of next duty shift.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on May 4, 2011 18:34:48 GMT -5
Personal Log, Supplemental
Interesting. I am calm, collected. I feel like a vulcan again. [calm, controlled breathing] Everything is normal.
These simulations are challenging. I am pleased. A challenge is good. As distasteful as combat is, a blade only stays sharp if used... or sharpened. [Calm, controlled breathing]
This log will be short. I must return to my meditations. End log.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on May 15, 2011 4:29:07 GMT -5
Personal Log
I have never bled on duty before. It is... interesting. I had not seen my own blood since I was a child. A taste of the potential cost of my duty. I could not abandon my post, even when the proverbial and literal smoke cleared from the bridge.
I am actually in pain. But I recognize that it is merely a sensation. My body telling my mind that I am damaged. I am currently being treated as of this moment. The doctors are holding me over night. I have refused pain medication as of this time. I... desire to use the pain as a focus. To known pain that I may keep it from evoking too strong of an emotional response for me to suppress. As of this moment I have finished meditation. I am pleased to see Tiberius is recovering as well, however, I have not requested that I be moved near him until my release. Care for him as I may at this time, it is a distraction. He seems to understand our ways, so he will understand that as of this moment we require efficiency and logic, not affection. There will be time for such upon completion of our mission provided we survive.
Perhaps this the wisdom I am meant to learn from all of this.
The captain was quite intent on relieving me from duty to treat my injuries. I felt that my task was in complete until we had cleared the system and moved on to a safe distance but... I cannot refuse an order. She later came to check on me in Sickbay. She required treatment herself but refused it until everyone that needed to be tended to had been. Sacrificing herself for us. She asked me how I felt and I felt compelled to use a metaphor rather than accurately describe my injuries. I... do not understand why. Perhaps I was distracted by my injuries and that of those around me. I felt compelled to help, but I have only basic first aid training. I will need to cease these.... Metaphors. They are not Vulcan.
Our fighting was heavy and intense. Intense is the only word I can truly use to describe it. My faculties were taxed heavily to perform as needed. It only became More difficult after sustaining my injury. I... do not feel so much shame for my lapses in performance. I was severely injured, but forced to remain on the bridge to perform my duty. I did as well as circumstances allowed. I was still able to perform a successful Picard Maneuver however, even though I had only done it in simulations before.
My thoughts wander back to Tiberius again. With logic and skill, we will both survive this.
(( Stealing a note from Xae to give a bit of theme music... though not for the log itself, and rather the Battle. ))
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on May 24, 2011 16:34:57 GMT -5
Personal Log.
I must properly check stardates and add them as needed in the future. There is little time as of this moment. I am compiling data to present others in Flight control, and I believe it is time for a modification of my uniform. I am now wearing command red, signifying my permanent move to flight control and navigation. I will still practice my other skills and will update myself on security protocols as needed, but I believe that perhaps I am... meant to be a pilot. I certainly choose to be now.
It is unlikely that even with injuries such as the ones he sustained that Tiberius will remain in sick bay for much longer. We require his abilities. Regardless, I must go see him when I have time. I require his input on certain matters before we are fully under way in Lillitu. Yes... [Oddly doesn't sound like she believes it, hesitant] I require his input. That is all.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on May 31, 2011 14:23:54 GMT -5
Persona Log.
Finding time to speak with Tiberius has proven difficult. Regardless, to see him on duty, performing with logic and efficiency; It is heartening. I am reminded of my own strengths.
Regardless, there will be time casual behavior when our task here is completed. I do not trust this Klingon... but the captain does, therefore I must, and will follow her lead. I do, however, drift back to to concerns for Toval. Will he call for a challenge now that I have rejected him? Especially since Tiberius is an outworlder, rather than a Vulcan. An outsider. Are we so stagnant as a culture, despite our logic and control, that we Fear the outsider, rather than embrace him and endeavour to show him our way?
These are questions for the wise elders of my people... not myself. It is not logical to dwell on such things at this time, therefore I will do so no further.
I must prepare my proposals to the rest of flight control.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Jun 19, 2011 4:56:30 GMT -5
Personal Log,
I am still recovering from...
We are a part of each other. There is a bond between us that we share with few outsiders. I felt isolated and alienated from my own vulcan brothers and sisters, and alien to all others who are not of our species. But Xaelei feels far more isolation that I imagined. Her fears, her thoughts, her motivations, all open to me. And mine are known to her. This is why we mind meld even sparingly amoungst ourselves. She... was disconnected from her body... Much like a katra that must be restored by fal-tor-pan. I feared that there would be no link, or anything left in her body. But there was something...
I was able to find it, draw it back... and then the meld began proper... She was in great trauma... the meld was imperfect and the joining of minds into a gestalt was flawed. We will both recover, and we still carry the best of each other. I hope she will understand our need for logic and control better.
I remember some of the after effects as well. I am still feeling disjointed, disconnected. I feel her isolation and fear. Tiberius's presence was far more helpful than he may ever truly realize. I admit now that I... truly Love him. It is good that my people do not shy entirely away from this emotion. It is suppressed and controlled like all others. Nothing is to be taken in excess, or we will descend into animals once more.
I should not have blurted that out in front of the captain. That was inappropriate. I shall need to make certain that if I meld with anyone again, they will be of stable mind so that I do not lose control.
But to say that. What I said to him.
I am resting, and I will remain with Xaelei until I am sent back to duty and when I feel my own again. I am, and always shall be, her friend.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Jun 27, 2011 18:50:47 GMT -5
Personal Log,
Once again I am recovering, though from simple abrasion injuries and fatigue. I am... surprised at how fragile my body truly is. We Vulcans are normally quite hardy compared to other humanoids, especially humans. I am... Confused as to why the Captain insists that I remain with her. I do not believe a field commission is necessary. I should return to the academy and complete my schooling, then I will attempt to seek out Tiberius upon graduation in the hopes that we may share an assignment.
The Adagio is severely damaged, and likely beyond repair. Unfortunate, as I had grown... fond of it. It is illogical and a waste of resources to restore the ship to working condition. It... She served her purpose and saved the crew and our refugees. Apparently my piloting skills saved us all, but it was a concerted effort. I am one of a larger body, all working towards the same goals. I did my duty and served my purpose as a member of the crew, as was expected of me. Nothing more.
Ensign Kerensky insists that I am being too modest. I replied to him, "I am Vulcan."
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Aug 9, 2011 1:19:54 GMT -5
Personal Log,
I have not had much time to log my recent activities for some time. Piloting the McAllister and balancing that duty with occasional returns to Earth for more studies have proven to occupy most of my time. Any excess time, however little, has been spent with Tiberius. Are we mates now? I am not certain. But he is preferred over Toval. It is more logical that I have a mate that I care for and find pleasure in my time with, than an arrangement that has no feeling of enjoyment or accomplishment. Toval would simply marry me because he must. He desires me for whatever reason.
I have further concerns. I am still adjusting to the new Adagio. A Galaxy-class ship is a prestigious assignment and I will not squander this opportunity. I must endeavour to master this vessel. I will... as a human may put it... learn to "turn her on a dime." Curiously, the phrase fits.
I have other concerns... but they are not for outsiders. And I dare not commit them to record until I have consulted appropriate parties directly.
I was also forced to deal with Ens. Konmal's commentary on my excess acceleration during saucer reintegration. I am pleased with his quick compensation for my mistake, but his commentary seemed distasteful to me. Regardless, I am still pleased to see him and Ens. Kerensky again. Ens. Kerensky commented on my change in hairstyle. Apparently it matches that of Xaelei. It see the resemblance, but I do not know the relevance. It is comfortable, and I have not had time to groom my hair. I believe I shall keep it. I am not certain what possessed me to wear it in quite this wait, however. It simply... felt "correct," regardless of how illogical that sort of sentiment is. Could it be another... effect of our touching of minds? What we shared in that meld?
There is much to be done, and this train of thought will be dealt with at a later time. I continue the remainder of my final year as a cadet aboard the Adagio. The captain desires my presence there and special concessions have been made to allow my studies and examinations to continue while on assignment. The Academy staff and Fleet Command have allowed this.
I am... pleased. A curious feeling of emotional outburst. It is not alien, and while some of my brothers and sisters may find it distasteful... for now I will allow it to remain. I am told that it is "Happiness." I would be content with simple contentment, but I suppose to understand emotion, one must experience emotion. And if you understand something, you can control it.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Sept 22, 2011 13:28:43 GMT -5
Personal Log
My status as "Acting Ensign" has been once again restored and I have been issued several standard duty uniforms. I am pleased with this developments.
I have also become... restless and suffered several more emotional outbursts. I... Laughed. I also threw a plate at Tiberius for disturbing me. This behaviour is unacceptable and I urged him to press charges for assault. He refused.
Does he know? Even though it may result in another failing on my part to control myself, I should contact Sten and Valin. They are still my parents, and I should update them with my progress. Of course, whether they choose to tell Toval, is their choice. I hope he has decided to move on himself.
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Oct 17, 2011 10:05:20 GMT -5
Personal Log
I have been assigned to stand duty on the "Conn" during Delta shift on peacetime operations. I had always thought that I had held the "Conn" while on duty at flight control... Curious... Perhaps I have misinterpreted nomenclature? Not as relevant as I would prefer it to be given the circumstances.
My captain and my companion are both aware of my father's disappearance. I assured them both that this would not affect my performance... although I fear it has. It has been a constant distraction. There is no excuse though. It is not as though I am a vulcan/human hybrid or some other hybrid. I am Vulcan... Although I have never understood why my... emotional control has been more difficult than that of the rest of my people.
I will perform my new duties to the best of my ability, as I always have. My recommendation to move Ens. Konmal to take on more Flight Control duties was disregarded, though I suppose Operations needs him more. Ens. Kerensky will perform flight control duties while I am on watch during Delta shift however.
This is satisfactory. Kerensky... er... Molly, has been an asset. And a... friend?
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Post by Lt Cmdr T'Ruri on Dec 4, 2011 1:29:47 GMT -5
Personal Log
I am impressed with Ens. Kerensky's performance despite need for improvement.
The captain has allowed me leave to tend to personal business. My father disappeared while still on Vulcan... and I will go there. I have suspicions that I will find some answers there.
I must contact Toval. And Tiberius must not know. A challenge will be made.
Regardless, he may know where my father is. And who my father is.
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