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Post by Commander John on Aug 29, 2011 21:32:35 GMT -5
**Journal Entry 08/29/2414**
I have not written in some time. To tell the truth I have not had much reason to. Things have been going well. The time Talia and I spent together had calmed many of my uncertainties, and our night on DS9 showed me the grand possibilities of our lives beginning to intertwine amongst our duty as officers. Still separate, yet simultaneous. It goes without saying that there are times at night when we long for each other’s company, yet with the bond stronger than ever if I relax enough and focus enough it is almost as if she is there.
So then why is it I feel the need to write now? Well that bastard Q decided to pay us a visit and give us a reward. I swear if there was ever one person one thing I could kill in cold blood simply out of rage it would be him, and yet somehow it would be justified to spare so many from the torture of it’s games.
We were thrown into some scenario from old earth, some test, some form of sick amusement. While most of the others simply had odd personalities placed on them, It seems I was the blunt of some cruel joke. In the scenario It seemed apparent that the Doc and I had been very intimate for a considerable length of time. I truly felt as if I knew her in such a way. To make matters worse, apparent past problems drifted by and we ended up kissing. It pains me to think about it. I know it was not real, but yet it felt so real. In the back of my mind I knew it was wrong, it felt wrong, I knew I was someone elses. Yet the feelings of that scenario were so overpowering I could not help but to fall into the passion and kiss her back as passionately as she had kissed me.
I know Talia will never thing me to do something under my own will, and that she understands it could have just as easily been her in such a scenario, but all the same I feel so bad about it. I know where there is time she and I will talk about it, but for now there is an awkwardness. What’s more is there are after flashes of emotion in regards to the Doc. In reality we do not know each other at all, yet somehow it feels as if we are old friends. She has asked me to talk with her, and I feel its is needed. If for no other reason than to let her know about Talia and myself, it is necessary. Being she is new to the crew she may simply not know. In any event I hope that this will still allow us to be friends and colleagues and not be a lasting awkwardness.
A final note tonight is about this new counselor we have coming to the fleet. I am not looking forward to it at all. It took me long enough to trust Doc Chase, and I have so many secretes I must keep, I just simply am not looking forward to yet another pestering noisy therapist looking to fix me.
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Post by Commander John on Sept 19, 2011 18:26:55 GMT -5
**Journal Entry 09/19/2414** The last few days have been, well I cant begin to make a reference. Aside from all of the obvious issues of fighting the Borg, and my own experience with them. The one I love, the one I have given my heart and soul too just rescued her husband.
I am happy that she has someone she loved so much back, but I know for her this is a confusing time. I can only imagine how it would effect me if we some how came across Jessica.
For all the complications, for what ever rough waters and storms lay ahead I can honestly say that what truly troubles me about Terros being found is not loosing Her. More than anything I want for her to be happy, and if that means we have to move away from what we are, and what we wanted to become before all of this, then I do so gladly and without hesitation.
I don’t know of there is some divine power at work, but things in my life have a way of working out so that I get what I truly need. I cant think of this as being anything other than good. At the very least, the love of my life has something back that was stolen from her. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for her, to have found something that was thought lost forever.
I can only be strong and patient. It is what she needs and as I always have I will do my best to be what she needs me to be. If that ends up simply being an Engineer, then that is what I will be. I just hope that sometime soon we will be able to talk.
I'm not sure why, maybe because of our bond, but in many ways I feel as If I had found something as well. The memories of Jessica swarm my brain, but I cant help but to think of Terros now as well. I find myself wondering about him more and more as the days go by.
In some ways my worst fear is that he will hate me. I would like very much for Talia to tell me about him. I would like very much to know the person she loves.
There is no way to know what will happen, it is her decision to make. What I do know is it does not change how I feel about her, or my desire to be with her. The decision is hers, but the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of knowing someone else in such a way as I do Talia.
I just hope that he recovers well, and can find himself again. I hope is still the person Talia remembers.
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Post by Commander John on Sept 28, 2011 5:05:11 GMT -5
**Journal Entry 09/27/2414** I am beginning to wonder weather or not Starfleet is the right place for me. I grow tired of the endless fighting, the constant struggle to hold on to even the smallest degree of peace. As if the war its self is not enough Starfleet Command's way of mission selection has grown to be absurd. After this last mission I am uncertain weather I have any faith in the abilities of anyone that calls themselves and Admiral. Of all the ships within Starfleet we should have been on the very bottom of the list to have been chosen for this mission had anyone bothered to consider the detrimental effect it would have on the senior staff, much less moral in general. The entire ship, even the newer crewman are all aware of the crimes that Orion thing committed. To be forced to work with someone who murdered one of my family, and tried to murder the rest of it. It is insulting and ridiculous. The worse part is knowing those bearcats at Command, she will be released on probation when we return. I just don’t know if I could continue to serve an organization which would allow such a thing to happen. That thing should be caged and locked away for eternity. As if all of that was not enough I have a Frengi offering me pennies for riches, and trying to sale me Illegal Goods. I thought procuring a in tact hull would be easier for working on this new engine design, but after spending some time in the holodeck I am not so sure. I was testing some field geometries and it seems there are not as many restrictions to the design as I had hypothesized. After staring into my holo hanger of old earth aircraft I started to put together a design from scratch. The computer wasn’t much help in figuring out the geometries and specifications for the new drive system, as well.. It doesn’t exist yet, but I have a solid working schematic to start my build. After spending a couple of hours going over the repair data from the Oxford, I was able to get my equipment setup and lay out the basic frame and super structure. Unfortunately the frame used up the majority of my replicator stock. From here on out it is what I can scrounge or replicate off of my personal rations. I have to think very carefully which components I want to replicate, and Which I want to scrounge. I started making a list of the more important components, computer, consoles, eps conduits, impulse reactors, all of the things I really wanted to be new and trouble free. Well at least trouble free. Defense is also a large concern. Galactic law being what it is, I am not allowed weapons above class two, all they are really good for is asteroid survey lasers. Be that as it may, I have decided to forgo weapons of any kind for a heavier defensive system. It will save me on tactical sensors, extra eps conduit, and other control systems. I plan to use the extra space and computing power for navigation and a large shield system. Not that I will be shy on power to begin with. The warp core should provide all I need, but were it to ever go offline the two impulse reactors are more than enough has well. They might strain running such a large Shield generator, but I certainly wouldn’t be dead in the water. Push come to shove they might even give out enough power to use the new drive over a short distance. She is going to be fast agile and powerful. She wont be the biggest thing in the sky, but she is going to have style and class, and plenty of space for me and maybe even some special company. ((OOC Design progress pictured below, this is showing 2.5 hours of work))
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Post by Commander John on Oct 12, 2011 8:41:08 GMT -5
**10/10/2414** ((Relaxed Mind)) As the lights slowly came up from night mode John rolled over on the small bio bed and made an attempt to block out the morning placing his pillow over his head. His attempt was unsuccessful as an attending nurse came over and beckoned him to rise and shine. He slowly rolled over and rubbed his eyes to finally meet the gaze of the nurse with a smile as she took a seat next to the bio bed.. "Time for my sponge bath?" Johns asked innocently. The nurse giggled for a moment and almost dropped the hypospray. John turned his head and pulled down his collar, "So are you going to let me out today or am I stuck here?" The nurse stuck a neural monitor to his neck and then stood form the stool. "Just make sure you don’t take this off and you report back here in six hours". John smiled and sat up on the bed and slipped on his service coat. "Ohh I wont forget, make sure the water is warm." The nurse giggled again as she walked away with a padd in her hand. John headed out of sickbay turned to the right and took a few steps before stopping and heading the other direction. What ever it was the doctor had been giving him he was sure of one thing, it certainly relaxed the mind. He was suppose to be off duty for the next couple of days, but it wasn’t his way, especially considering all that had happened recently. In all that had happened one thing was crystal clear, he could not simply ignore the requirements of his Vulcan mind. He took a stroll of sorts through the various parts of the ship, observing teams and checking on the progress of various reconstruction projects. The doc would surely skin him if he were to get involved, but he could at least be informed. He spent the better part of the morning making rounds, and made a point to check in with some of his men on a more personal note. He eventually wandered into upper engineering and spent some time reading a report and gazing into the swirl of the warp core, almost mesmerized. After grabbing a quick bite to eat in the mess and then stopping back by medical for his noon checkup, he made his way to what has become his refuge. What would normally appear to be a huge cargo bay, seemed tiny with the large shuttle hull, and walls lined with various bits of equipment. As the door slid open the lights and equipment came to life. He ran his hand along the edge of the wing as he headed around to the access ramp. He switched on the temporary lights strung throughout the cabin, and began to continue his work in running various conduits and cabling. "Okay, lets see what we can get done today. Tomorrow your computers should be here." ((Scale shot with a class 9 (voyager) shuttle))
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Post by Commander John on Oct 13, 2011 3:02:39 GMT -5
**Journal Entry 10/10/2414**
Well Tigris is officially being stubborn. I must have miscalculated the size or not compensated for shrinkage during welding, but the access hatch is not wanting to open now. After being trapped inside for the better part of an hour beating on it, I finally beamed myself out. I managed to finally pry it open.
These injections certainly do calm the mind, but just a bit too much. Doc says I basically have a choice. I meditate each day, or I remain on this medicine, which clearly makes me unfit for duty. It really is quite stupid of me to ignore it. Half an hour of meditation and an hour of sleep is as restful as eight for most. Still it is a major change that I have to adapt too.
I have not spoken to Talia since her return, but I can tell the state of her ship was both a surprise and an unwelcome sight. Most of the repairs are in the final stage, and we should be ready to set out again in a day or two at most. The layover has been a welcome rest bit for the entire crew. I had hoped to spend some time with Talia before we left on assignment again, but I think I am going to have to wait for her to come to me this time.
There is still two days, and as stubborn as I am I hold out hope, but with all that has happened, well everything needs time. I just hope it is not too much time. I miss spending time with her, even if only to stare at the stars. Everything has changed, everything is different now, yet so much is the same, and the resolve has grown stronger. In many ways Tigris is still my escape from the reality I face, but I still hope that it can be a refuge for her as well. A place to go to escape from all the burdens of command, and the stress of daily life, even if never leaving the ship.
As much as I am building her off what I know about Federation technology, at first glance it is anything but. The exterior is untraditional, the interior is untraditional, hell the entire thing screams different. I don’t know if there is a large need for such a vessel so there may only ever be one Requiem Class, but it fills my exact needs. It is the perfect medium between a shuttle and a small ship. It is small enough I can handle all of its operations on my own, yet large enough to be a comfortable retirement home, or for a weekend of shore leave.
I am anxious to see what Xae has come up with to solve my computer problems. Knowing her she will probably have designed some clever thing no one else in the universe could come up with. The list of parts she had me get for her was somewhat confusing to say the least.
Well its 6pm and time for my sponge bath, okay just another injection.
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Post by Commander John on Oct 22, 2011 12:52:35 GMT -5
**Journal Entry 10/22/2414**
As the dawn approaches I find myself remembering The Art of War. It became a guide for me as a Marine leader, and I believe now I will rely on its wisdom in my new role as XO. I was flipping through some pages I had marked so many years ago earlier. The marked passages still ring true, and in a way they remind me that there has not been too much progress in this war. One passage however has seeded a growing concern. “Do not interfere with an army that is returning home. When you surround an army, leave an outlet free. Do not press a desperate foe too hard.” In many ways the federation is surrounded. As each month goes by the battles take a toll on its Army’s. We lose ships, crews, and even whole planets to those we use to call friends.
Regardless of the current state of things, I must focus my attention on this ship and this crew. The method in which I manage my Engineering crew is very different from the position of leadership I now find myself in. As part of engineering I often found myself united in understanding with my men. The need for discipline was rare, and work was accomplished in a manner that is truly a estimate to all the values of teamwork the Federation in its self is supposed to stand for. However in this new position I find myself thinking of another marked passage in my book. “Regard your soldiers as your children, and they will follow you into the deepest valleys; look upon them as your own beloved sons, and they will stand by you even unto death. If, however, you are indulgent, but unable to make your authority felt; kind-hearted, but unable to enforce your commands; and incapable, moreover, of quelling disorder: then your soldiers must be likened to spoilt children; they are useless for any practical purpose.” There is going to be a time where I have to have a firm hand, a time where I must draw on those things that kept my men alive so many years ago. I think the key is to have that firm hand while maintaining a level of understanding.
While I know all of the Engineering and Operations crew trust me at word alone, I can tell there is a since of trust to be built with some of the other departments. While the entire crew knows me and respects me, there is a since of uncertainty in their eyes with regard’s to myself and command matters. To suddenly have the Janitor giving you orders is a bit of an uneasy feeling. Many of us know how that situation felt with our previous first officer. From my observations I believe the crew is much more accepting to me, however they can’t help but to remember what happened with the last first officer that came from engineering. Time will sort out all things, and I am confident after this mission the crew will once again be a smooth running oiled machine.
While time may tell if I am cut out to be in command of a Starship, Ultimately my position on the Adagio depends on what my Angel chooses. I still desire what I always have, and for a time it truly seemed inevitable. After the recent encounter with the Borg, I see things that were once becoming clear, fading away again. So similar our pasts are regarding the Borg, yet I can only imagine and catch a glimpse of what she is going through. I would hate to lose her, and would go to any extents to find a way to help things work out, but I want her to be happy, and I will do all I can to respect her culture. I think she knows that, but even so I know she holds back much as well. I truly find I am in conflict with myself. Part of me wants to just stay distant and hold back everything myself. Another part of me wants to point out we should be going through this together , that weather or not we are destined to become one, we were very much on that path when this happened, and we should be helping each other through it, even if the outcome is we must part.
I have tried to Imagine what it would have been like if I found Jessica. I know it would not be the same, but I had, and still do have strong feelings for her. Were Jessica to be rescued I know I would want to spend time with her, but it would not change how I feel about Talia, nothing can ever change that. Perhaps that is the problem in its self. Jessica and I were not married, even if we had been I know in my heart Jessica would understand. Terros is not Jessica, nor do I expect neither he nor Talia to forget all that their culture stands for. Still in this time there has to be some way to help Talia through this, I would give anything for her to have back what she lost, but again part of me wants to be part of her future in that way as well. At the very least I hope that He will understand and not resent her for having tried to move on from such a tragedy.
Only Time will tell, and I hope that time comes soon. For now she still wears the ring, and so long as she does it reminds me there is Hope.
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Post by Commander John on Oct 24, 2011 20:40:43 GMT -5
**Journal Entry 10/24/2414**
Well the Dawn has passed and night is upon us. At the end of the day I think I did well, or at least well enough. I figure we didn’t lose anyone, the ship is one piece, no one is in sick bay, and the rescue of a ship in distress was good enough to call a successful first mission as a first officer. It is still a huge change, and took a great deal of effort not to run down to engineering. I did eventually end up working on the engineering console on the bridge to ensure the core was doing all it could.
While I was a bit nervous what I truly found frightening was the banter between Xae Talia and myself. I am use to such conversations being off duty and very private. There were a couple of times where I nearly did not catch myself from saying something compromising. It is something I will certainly have to watch closely. While such feelings do not effect my abilities to do my duty, such a thing would likely land me an instant transfer were the wrong person to overhear. I believe my personal relationship actually strengthens my resolve and makes me more capable of my duties. Never the less it must remain a closely guarded secret, especially now. As things begin to settle from the recent personnel changes I hope there will soon be time for us to talk.
The painting I had commissioned from my recently new friend arrived. She included a note and a picture that said the second one would take a few more weeks, but I must say this one came out beautifully. Both of these were commissioned before Talia’s life was turned upside down. I have been debating weather or not I should still give them to her. I would hate to contribute more to her struggle. What I have decided is to follow the honesty and feeling that led me to her in the beginning. What has happened in our shared past cannot be changed and I can only imagine how Terros or her family will see me now.
As much as I know I must respect her culture in this matter, and as much as I have tried to learn and fit into it, I am still not Andorian. Even so my desire and will to fight to stay with her, is very much similar to her being drawn back to Terros. I think the difference is that her culture binds her more so than does mine. While she feels she must end all that we are despite all we have become, I search endlessly for a way we can continue, and search for a way I can still be part of her Life.
The whole idea of having 3 significant others was completely alien to me. For some time I was even jealous of the Adagio. At some point, and I think it took discovering more who I was, it became something that in a way I found myself desiring. I think the intimacy of the bond may have had a lot to do with it. Perhaps more so now that ever I find myself wondering what it would be like to have such a connection with someone else and have them be such an integral part of my life.
After being sheltered most of my life I am unsure what to do if I must go back to how thing’s once were. I know I do not desire loosening this level of connection. Even if I were to move on, I don’t know that things could ever be so intense as they are now. I think where our cultures do greatly differ is where an Andorian would fight to the death to keep there bond mates, I will willingly let her go if it is truly what she want in hear heart. I have given my life and soul to her and all I desire is to make her happy what ever that means. I just hope she know I am willing to do anything to stay with her if it is what she desires.
A decision has been made about the pictures, I know what I am going to do now.
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Post by Commander John on Nov 29, 2011 18:27:48 GMT -5
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Post by Commander John on Jan 28, 2012 21:36:52 GMT -5
**Journal Entry 01/22/2415** I have not had much free time with all the reports that flood onto my desk every day. There are times where I long for hte days of crawling around in parts of hte ship some do not even know exits. Lately, I worry this desk is drawing me in relentlessly. Despite the self searching as of late, I made time to take SiKu to the holodeck. I even programed in some critters for her to chase around. It was a great joy to watch her leap around in the snow, even if it was holographic, It was clear she enjoined it very much. I am surprised that she has not been more destructive in my quarters. The only incident so far has been the destruction of my pour flower pots. It was quite a mess but I made sure to fasten the new ones to the window ledge. I could almost see the frustration in SiKu's face when she "Inspected the new pots". It does amuse me to watch her gnaw on the Frengi Chew toy I replicated. She particularly enjoys chewing on its ears. Somehow I think a Frengi would cringe watching her, much as any human guy feels for anyone hit, well you know. Well back to my reports and rubbing SiKu's head, she tends to insist I have a hand on her anytime I am siting at my desk. It is nice to always have her by my side, so I do not mind at all.
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Post by Commander John on Feb 11, 2012 19:54:55 GMT -5
**Journal Entry 02/11/2415**
The door to Johns quaters swooshed open to reveil a pitentaly waiting Siku. She sat, tail wagging, streing up at him. John never really knew how long she sat there, just that she had started doing this several days ago. Weather by reading his visual emotions, or simply understanding her human pet, Siku cated her head with a look of concern. She followed John over to his desk and sat her her spot. Normaly she would paw at him for atention, but today she simply put her head on his leg. John didnt know much about animial behaviour, hell he didnt know much about human behavior in that reguard. He rubed his hand ovver sikus head and she laid back her ears. "I wish I knew, I wish I knew" He jsut stared at Siku for several long moments, before leaning forward to find his Journal. The whole idea of a Journal had beceom pointless to him lately. It was suppsoe to be a place for him to write down dreams, goals, and aspirations. Lately it only seemed like a waste of time, it was a reminder of the things that he wanted so much would never be within his grasp. He flipped through a few pages, smileing at a couple of them, and then becomeing sad at others. He finaly fliped to the last page and picked up his pen.
...The past is tragic, the present is heartship, and the future is hopeless. That is the reality of this life I live. It has always been my reality, and if recent events prove anything, it is the only one I am allowed. Perhaps I was simply a fool for ever saying anything to her. Had I just remained shut away as I always have been, I never would have been so heart broken as I was today. I guess I was still holding onto that hope that there was some chance. I might as well be a true vulcan, for so long as there is a uniform for her to wear, I will never be important beyond what I can do for her ship. She might as well be galaxies away, becasue here what love there is seems to only ever bring pain when acted upon. Weeks go by and were it not for the bond, I an not sure even I would know we had a relationship beyond Captain, and he who messes up her ship. I can be detached, what ever god is out there knows I can be that if anything. Maybe I was jsut a fool for beleiveing I could ever be more than a tool to her. Maybe that is what she intended all along. All i knows i that if i got in my shuttle and left right now, when she caught me her first comment would be to the effect of "do you know what you did to my ship ". What is the point of being in love with someone if that very love only ever causes you pain?...
John tossed the small journal into the corner of his desk, and Siku sprung up from chewing on her bone. She troted over and simply stared at him. John rubed his eyes and let out a long sigh, "What do I do Siku, What do I do?"
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Post by Commander John on Mar 29, 2012 22:14:34 GMT -5
** Journal Entry 03/29/2415 **
Well it has been an interesting month to say the least. Overall the ship and its crew has performed at the level I have come to expect, A level which I have only previously observed while commanding my unit. I suppose that sounds a bit arrogant, but it is not far from the truth. There are times when I forget Talia was never a marine. I suppose being Andorian, and having spent a lot of time on the ground during the first years of the war, she is simply driven in the same ways. Though part of me believes she does it out of guilt for her lost family. I think for whatever reason she blames herself, and from my own experience I know that is simply a bad path. Back on point, overall the ship has been operating well. Engineering has finally become accustomed to the normal operations of the new reactor. You new security officer has really whipped security into shape, which until now had been a bit of a concern.
What I have been left dealing with are disciplinary and stupidity issues. Diamond Williams, hell she is a issue all her own. I do not know how she got through the Academy, though if I have any understanding of her ageing process, perhaps we simply got her when her version of puberty set in. The acting out, issues with authority, even uncertainty of her form, well they all sort of fit with growing up. I think we may have finally gotten through to her. To be honest I sort of snapped into my old ways, I just cannot stand anyone playing officer. I have seen too many good men end up dead for some officer playing with their lives. I simply cannot allow that behavior from any officer on this ship. I hope that she will be able to learn the reasoning behind certain actions. She needs to understand that most decisions Talia and I make often involve a lot more than any one officer can see. That in its self is the nature of command, seeing all the pieces, and then making new ones if something does not fit. She has made a drastic change, and that sort of has me worried, but hopefully she is sincere.
There has also been a running debate whether or not I should remove real alcohol from the ships stores. It has been a growing concern and several minor incidents have resulted directly from drinking. While It may not stop people all together from drinking, it will at least make them do it in private. That would at least reduce the risk of other crew becoming involved. Hitting the bottle as it were, is not a viable solution for any problem, personal or otherwise. A rack of empty bottles in Alaska prove that. Aidan Conroy, another concern, I swear the man has a death wish. I’ve been to hell and back, more than once and even I do not mock fate or luck. Perhaps because of Diamond I have been a bit more aware of small mistakes, but the man almost blew himself up, taking another officer with him in the process. Had he taken in the same actions during the asteroid run, there would have not been much left to yell at. As with diamond not seeing beyond herself, I believe he does not realize just how lucky he was. I am just infuriated at the stupid mistakes that have been made lately. I have to remember I am wearing Red, not green and black, because I have been tempted to just shoot a few people in the foot.
It is sort of funny, I have spent a considerable amount of time trying to be a Starfleet engineer, and now a Starfleet first officer, but perhaps this ship, or at least Talia’s command, needs a Marine first officer. While Talia can be a fierce, strict, bite your head off Captain. She is also very forgiving, and can be a bit soft in certain situations. On most ships the first officer is the nice one, the one who has the crews ear, and the Captain remains a bit of a mystery to most of the crew. Talia though, she roams the ship, talks to the crew randomly, even hangs out at parties and such with them. I do not fault her for that, it has an effect, and makes the crew a family, but the crew cannot forget they are soldiers, and as much as I hate to say it, this is a ship of war. I think we may simply be settling into a balance, but I have no problem being the bad guy if it keeps the crew and ship safe.
Everything going on with Diamond lately, and essentially grounding her, has reminded me of my youth, and of what I want with Talia. It grows harder to hold everything in, it was difficult before, but at least then I had a tangible time to long forward too. Now there is just waiting on forever. Even though our moments alone and free were few and far between, the weeks and months between were at least bearable. Now I can’t decide if I feel guilty, or just sad in general. Before we found him, there was an honest hope of a future together. Now it is more of a bleak reality, a reality that neither of us really wants.
Nevertheless we have a job to do… I do not know when I started viewing it as a job, I guess things really have changed.
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