Post by Lt Cmdr Desiree Clerie on Jun 27, 2017 9:22:51 GMT -5
Dressed in a typical beautiful Risian summer dress with flowers motives, Desiree sits hugging her knees on the floor of her and Bakers quarters on the Protector.
Her eyes showing she has been crying, the floor full of used tissues suggests she has been crying a lot, yet at the moment she seems calm with only the occasional sad sniff breaking the silence until she leans back against the wall, looking up at nothing in particular and speaking
"Computer, Begin personal log"
[BEEP]
It took long for me to understand why some species lie so much, humans in particular... even about the most insignificant little daily things... While lies I believe they call it, an innocent lie to blend in socially in their culture. Betazoids do not lie, Or at least are not supposed to. With everyone telepathic a lie would be immediately detected and would cause a social awkwardness. And I was convinced it was a weakness of the other species that they could not have a culture without lies..."
The Betazoid sighs deeply and blows her nose, throwing another tissue on the floor
"Now, I know better, These lies are not malicious nor with any ill intent, nor are the likely a weakness of courage... It is the fear of not being accepted, or even worse, the fear of harming someone you like, someone you love. someone who means more to you then your own life could ever possibly do"
She turns her head and stares blankly at Bakers empty bed
"Extended leave on Risa, The dream of a majority of enlisted and officers alike. A chance to relax, unwind and enjoy the absolute definition of a paradise. A time to be happy, with friends. Last time I was here, Two months and one week before... the battle. I still see them here, as if they never left, Their faces smiling happily with not a worry in the world. Them standing in the bar toasting to battles won, I hear their laughter and I feel their... "
Tears fills her eyes again as she for a few seconds both cries and laughs at the same time
"I feel their perverted thoughts. Oh they are all there, happy.... stupid, childish... Blissful. If they had to leave, I wish they could just leave me alone."
She takes another tissue and dries her tears
"I have become a liar... I lie to the two people that means the most in the galaxy to me. But how could I possibly tell them everything. We are in a galaxy that contains something worse then anything we faced before. And we are not ready, like children playing with fire while sitting in a pool of highly volatile liquids. I am on a ship where the ship itself has a vendetta against me...
It sounds silly and there was a time I would say a object can not hold Vendettas... that was before I meet the protector.
And even without the Vendetta, one of the most well armed ships created is nothing but an egg waiting to be crushed by what is out there, And there is nothing I can do... The people I love will be harmed, or more likely die...
The tears well up in her eyes again and she dries them off, blowing her nose afterwards and takes some heavy breaths
"The lovely, beautiful people that means everything to me, who I am tasked with protecting will die and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I am just a pathetic waste of oxygen towards what is out there. They cant'e die, I would give anything to make sure they remain alive... yet not even my best, or my life, would mean anything here...
How can I tell them that at times when I close my eyes I see dead people, and there is nothing they can do to help me... I would break their hearts."
"I love them, I love them so much I can not explain and I feel so helpless, so worthless. useless, powerless... so mane less. I can only guess that if I told them, they would feel the same. I can not do that to them, I can not ruin their beautiful lives for a while moose chase they can not win. I have become a destructive element in their lives, I am destroying the very beings I love so much I...I..."
She leans forward again, resting her face in her palms and connecting her elbows to her knees
"This is why I seem to subconsciously distance myself, I... should maybe let them go on with their lives without me, they still have a future, together even.
One of them is already avoiding me like the curse I am, the other.... the other is not as smart, yet such a heart of gold, so fragile and so pure."
Desiree looks at Bakers empty bed again
"Maybe I can make them so angry at me, spare them the killing agony of missing me, and then transfer somewhere... else, Perhaps a star base?"
"This... this is probably... probably what I need to know."
"I... I do not know, I am so sleepy, I love them so much... If I could only tell them."
"Computer, End log"
[BEEP]
The Betazoid falls asleep.
Her eyes showing she has been crying, the floor full of used tissues suggests she has been crying a lot, yet at the moment she seems calm with only the occasional sad sniff breaking the silence until she leans back against the wall, looking up at nothing in particular and speaking
"Computer, Begin personal log"
[BEEP]
It took long for me to understand why some species lie so much, humans in particular... even about the most insignificant little daily things... While lies I believe they call it, an innocent lie to blend in socially in their culture. Betazoids do not lie, Or at least are not supposed to. With everyone telepathic a lie would be immediately detected and would cause a social awkwardness. And I was convinced it was a weakness of the other species that they could not have a culture without lies..."
The Betazoid sighs deeply and blows her nose, throwing another tissue on the floor
"Now, I know better, These lies are not malicious nor with any ill intent, nor are the likely a weakness of courage... It is the fear of not being accepted, or even worse, the fear of harming someone you like, someone you love. someone who means more to you then your own life could ever possibly do"
She turns her head and stares blankly at Bakers empty bed
"Extended leave on Risa, The dream of a majority of enlisted and officers alike. A chance to relax, unwind and enjoy the absolute definition of a paradise. A time to be happy, with friends. Last time I was here, Two months and one week before... the battle. I still see them here, as if they never left, Their faces smiling happily with not a worry in the world. Them standing in the bar toasting to battles won, I hear their laughter and I feel their... "
Tears fills her eyes again as she for a few seconds both cries and laughs at the same time
"I feel their perverted thoughts. Oh they are all there, happy.... stupid, childish... Blissful. If they had to leave, I wish they could just leave me alone."
She takes another tissue and dries her tears
"I have become a liar... I lie to the two people that means the most in the galaxy to me. But how could I possibly tell them everything. We are in a galaxy that contains something worse then anything we faced before. And we are not ready, like children playing with fire while sitting in a pool of highly volatile liquids. I am on a ship where the ship itself has a vendetta against me...
It sounds silly and there was a time I would say a object can not hold Vendettas... that was before I meet the protector.
And even without the Vendetta, one of the most well armed ships created is nothing but an egg waiting to be crushed by what is out there, And there is nothing I can do... The people I love will be harmed, or more likely die...
The tears well up in her eyes again and she dries them off, blowing her nose afterwards and takes some heavy breaths
"The lovely, beautiful people that means everything to me, who I am tasked with protecting will die and there is absolutely nothing I can do. I am just a pathetic waste of oxygen towards what is out there. They cant'e die, I would give anything to make sure they remain alive... yet not even my best, or my life, would mean anything here...
How can I tell them that at times when I close my eyes I see dead people, and there is nothing they can do to help me... I would break their hearts."
"I love them, I love them so much I can not explain and I feel so helpless, so worthless. useless, powerless... so mane less. I can only guess that if I told them, they would feel the same. I can not do that to them, I can not ruin their beautiful lives for a while moose chase they can not win. I have become a destructive element in their lives, I am destroying the very beings I love so much I...I..."
She leans forward again, resting her face in her palms and connecting her elbows to her knees
"This is why I seem to subconsciously distance myself, I... should maybe let them go on with their lives without me, they still have a future, together even.
One of them is already avoiding me like the curse I am, the other.... the other is not as smart, yet such a heart of gold, so fragile and so pure."
Desiree looks at Bakers empty bed again
"Maybe I can make them so angry at me, spare them the killing agony of missing me, and then transfer somewhere... else, Perhaps a star base?"
"This... this is probably... probably what I need to know."
"I... I do not know, I am so sleepy, I love them so much... If I could only tell them."
"Computer, End log"
[BEEP]
The Betazoid falls asleep.