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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 22:05:25 GMT -5
Honda’s Personal Log Stardate: 92030.96
The Battle of Qronos has left the crew with deep feelings. The destruction, the death, has us all questioning what it is we really do as Starfleet Officers. Yet I try to set an example that the uniform has high meaning then meeting martial force with martial force. That the undine we’ve slain in battle are every bit … “human” as I am.
As a leader of the fleet, commander of this vessel I cannot help but to reflect on my own understand of what it must be like for the Undine. In Advance Tactical training they’ll tell you this is useless. Then again Advance Tactical Training trains warriors not leaders. Long gone are those days where the mission and orders were all that this officer considered.
For me? I cannot help but to see the Undine much like my very own culture 500 years ago. The Japanese were dominating force in the world and rose to power with superior believes that they were the master race. So fanatical in there believes they even came to worship there leadership as gods among men. The brutality they exacted on there neighbors was astounding. They swept the Pacific part of the world unchecked with the believe of being the master race.
So feared by the Western Powers that a War in Asia would be task they were unable to take on. The United States found justification for Earth’s first deployment of Atomic weaponry. The consequences of nuclear weaponry would be something that would plague the Japanese people for almost century after. Yet some may argue it was necessary to break the Japanese resolve. My opinions are otherwise.
As I reflect on these past mistakes. I cannot help but to wonder if we the Federation 500 years later are facing this same situation. A foe so distantly cultured, so vastly resolute in there believes much like the Japanese were fighting for what they considered their own survival. What has made the undine so fanatical? The fighting will continue until one cannot stand and submits. Yet each foe I slay, is someone’s father, or mother, brother, or sister.
Commander De’kiren seems to find it an easy task to de-sensation himself to these details. To him they are monsters. A threat to the security of the Federation. Of course they are. It is why I assigned myself to the war effort.
Though it became clear to me during the debriefing as to what he considered appropriate and what I and Anja considered horrific. Apparently in Commnader De’kiren’s spare time as hobbyist theoretically engineers weapons with the right scale and capability of mass destruction. In his opinion should be congratulated as it was that ingenuity that saved us all. Yet dismissing the moral complications of designing weapons of this caliber as need for survival.
I find my feelings very different and his arrogance in this instances very offensive. I suppose his opinions of me aren’t that much better. I likely appear weak and have clouded judgment in the face of what he considers mathematical equation of power and lives saved. Fortunately for me. I’m the Admiral, and he’s the Lt Commander. So his opinions don’t’ count and we’ll do it my way from now on. All his data will be seized by Security and submitted too Command for proper review and allocation. No exceptions.
Still I cannot help but reflect after our alteration. My culture’s warriors, the Samurai have been a value of mine since I was a little girl living in Okinawa. I would read about them, talk to my mother about them and try to understand what it was that made them so special that they were the ruling class of Japan for more than 2000 years. Anyone who has studied the Samurai will be able to tell you that the Bushido was the core values that separated a Samurai from a commoner.
Bushido has been guide all my life. It incorporates the best virtues of a human. A combination of frugality, loyalty, martial arts mastery, honor unto death. It was meant to temper the violent existence of the samurai to be tempered by wisdom and serenity. As Starfleet Captain and now as Flag Officer, I’ve seen the need more than ever for Bushido. Without it- because of the difficulties times of war. I would be no better than those who count the numbers of the dead a measurement of success and find resolve in this chaotic neutral nature.
Bushido outlines the virtues that every Samurai warrior must exhibit. A Klingon Warrior would find these all as familiar as would an Adnorian. Yet both lack what I consider the most important part of Bashido. A crucial virtue that makes them different. Benevolence.
It is benevolence that allows the healing between combatants. The Understanding that when we fight at war it is a professional business, not personal. It is this virtue that reminds me that the Undine are people too. That there is a path back to main road to the core humane concepts of society. It is what allowed the Samurai not to turn into brutal savages and to retain control of the brutal psychological conditions that there profession made them live all their lives.
Bashido is how I avoid insanity of war.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 22:05:07 GMT -5
Admiral’s Personal Log Stardate: 91881.71
I have been presented with serious decision to consider. The skirmish this afternoon with the Klingons could cause a serious political friction. Then again – I don’t believe I am complete in the wrong. We all operate in gray areas as Starship Captains. Although Ayanami responded to a distress call with in its right we were attacked by Klingon Militants. It was impossible to avoid conflict as the Klingon captains involved were committed to combat on the level in which they were willing to RAM us for.
In addition to this, Admiral Stalworth for reasons not disclosed had instructed me to avoid filing a report. My initial reaction was disobeying this suggestion. I do not do well with dishonesty. If lying has taught me anything it has only hurt me in the past. My personal relationships have suffered because of it and the Man I had come to love has been severed from me because I chose to lie.
No. I will be honest. I am filing my report as actions taken in an effort to investigate a distress call and the destruction of Klingon Property a result of Klingon Aggression and unwillingness to negotiate. My gut tells me we are on to something big. Something that is seriously illegal on both sides. It seems I find myself in the position to uncover a scandle yet again.
I will need all the details I can get. My only lead now is that Orion Operative that we rescued from the Klingons. I must attempt to determine her origins, and learn who she is working for and what the bigger picture is behind the various politics that have been hidden behind the New Klingon Treaty.
To compound matters- Mitchell has been killed in the line of duty during our rescue operation. The loss has hit me in sharp way. I sacrificed the life of a long standing member. A friend, and good solider. He will be missed. I cannot cheapen his death by sweeping it under the rug.
My regrets go to the Klingon Captains that challenged me and my crew to combat. But I must be ready to meet lethal force with lethal force. I wish there had been another alternative. We certainly live in dangerous times where no one can be certain as to how a Klingon Captain will react.
I’ll have to contact Meranda soon and inform her of the prisoner we’ve recovered from the distress call. Something tells me this Orion Girl might be double agent. I need to disclose all the details to Meranda. For now – I must prepare myself for Mitchell’s service.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 22:04:57 GMT -5
Honda's Personal Log Stardate: 91880.47
It's been a several years since I've record one of these.
Ayanami’s new crew is refreshing renewal to life. I find myself feeling young again yet I must be the most experience officer aside some of the NCO’s that have been with the ship name from my prior command, and Commander Matalizka. Although they don’t think I hear, I know they are calling me “The Old Lady.” A term I hope they mean out of respect, but time will tell.
Ayanami’s functioning well. They two years in space dock has given ample time to work out all the various systems. The ship is ready but the crew is green. They need guidance, discipline, and experience. I look forward to giving that to them. I look forward to journeying with them as there guide.
I’ve decided to put on my Command Uniform for my next shift. It will be the first time I’ll clearly be marking my rank as Admiral. Other Captains have been wearing uniform with the white shoulders I’ve tried it on earlier this evening and I can say I’m liking the new material. Quite a different take from past years uniforms but: I like these new ones.
When I am not preoccupied with the thoughts of Command and Task Force Strategy, I find myself thinking about my daughter at home. I hope that I can make it home in time for her first real sentences. I know my mother will be teaching her Japanese. I’m alright with that, there Is plenty of time for her to learn Federation Basic. The pictures on my desk help a great deal and I look forward to the calls home.
Yet I see Tanaka’s face in her every time I look upon her or lose myself studying her picture on the desk. I must admit the fling that occurred on Risa has done nothing to make me feel better or allow me to move forward with my emotional feelings. I suppose it has to do with how unavailable Jax was and although it seemed to have worked that weekend.
Would it really work long term? Experience tells me that it’s unlikely. Jax is in a lot of pain, the pain caused by situation that anyone with any Starfleet experience would say to avoid. Although he is a bright, charm, and handsom young man, I am certain there is no space for me in his life. Nor would dating his Admiral would bring any measure of simplicity to his career decisions, or his life for that matter. I am genuinely sorry for his loss. I can only hope he works through his pain and move beyond Liz and find someone that will give him the completion that Mara did.
Looking back on it all, Tanaka and I have been on and off for over seven years. The two of us met on Starbase 39 the eve before battle, when the Romulans attempted to sack the starbase to disrupt our efforts to assist Obesek. It was after my captivity among the Romulans whom and we were just Captains at the tim, talking about home, and family, and likeness that we shared. Talia introduced us back then when she was young and experienced cruiser commander with no shortage of courage.
When we were able to get our feelings straight for one another, we found a completeness that I have never experienced with other men before. Although that weekend with Jax was fun, it wasn't anything on the level of connection that Tanaka and I have shared in our time together. I doubt jax and I will be able too find the time to peruse anything more meaningful.
We sure know how to waste time that man and I. Yet I can’t help but to admire his patients. I wonder if he’s moved on. If these two years has allowed him to find another woman to help him fill the space I was unwilling too. If I hurt him in way where becoming involved with another was impossible and he focused solely on his work. I know Captain Talia still speaks to him yet, I find myself unsure if I wish to reconnect with him yet. It must be the shame that holds me back. It is a great burden that I bear and challenge I deal with. I am unsure if I would be happy to hear if there was someone else or not. In a way I feel it to be justifiable punishment for my choices. My feelings are clear, lessons have been taught. I suppose all there is left to tell Tanaka is that I'm sorry.
I cannot help but to think him, when I think about Yuna. I also wish Beth was here to dish too though this personal log will have to do.
Everything is quiet so far on our Patrol of the Old Natural Zone so far. Maybe we’ll get lucky and things will remain such. For now I think I’ll play the violin a little before bed.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 22:04:38 GMT -5
Personal Log: Stardate: 88842.68
The new Ayanami is performing with excellent results. The amount of fire power it has makes the old Ayanami clearly a relic of a simpler time. Yet as walk down the halls the interior lay out is so similar. Yet the details are different. For example my quarters are vastly different then hey had been on the old Ayanami.
We have rondavous with the USS Independence and I attended my debrefing and turned over the Omega Partical data. As that business I finally had the oppertunity to speak to Captain Hann and express some of the feelings that have been put on hold over the last year we've been apart. I cannot stop thinking about how proud he is being the commander of my fleet's flag ship. I reflect abit on my own career and consider my own achievements and I have to admit I don't think I'd ever hav the paients for such responsibilities. The amount of people it takes to coordinate any ship function would just be a daunting task day in and day out. No I like my mid-sized starship. Fast, nimble and boy does it have a bite.
It's become clear feelings between I and Tanaka are serious. I cannot deny that any longer and the question of what to do next. Our lives are so very complicated just to ask him to move in with me. Ha!
Yet the small short amount of time we had to share some of affection has locked my mind on him during all hours of the day. I find myself sometimes say dreaming at my desk about activist I look forward to sharing with him. Then I have to force myself to get back to work. I've decided to share with Liz the details of all this. Perhaps that will help with the day dreaming. I hope that we will have time some personal time together soon instead of hiding in the science lab and making our during my debrefing. Then getting caught! Goodness It felt like I was junior officer again.
My staff has experienced some changes made by Fleet Command. I haven't been to thrilled with the reassignment of Erys. When she came aboard she quickly became part of the family. She had become our little sister. Her history in starfleet had been questionable with sex scandals and the falsified reports pertaining to illegal dealings on her first deep space assignment. Although the inquires were never closed I remember prejudging the girl.
I remember the first time she reported in and that I gave her a sharp and cold greeting. I kept her a attention the entire meeting. I wasn't happy with the transfer, and I didn't need her complications on the ship. In had hopped that my sharp treatment would force her into requesting a transfer. I had even stuck her on the third shift to make it uncomfortable for her. None of this discouraged her. Instead she continued to stick it out and grow. She made friends and made quite an impression on the other senior staff. Commander Dalun specifically. When Lt Cyric went MIA on a mission I was left with a large vacancy in my crew. After an few shots of sake and some j-pop it only made sence to permote Murai.
In the recent years I had begin to notice her potential for command. I made it a point to take her under my wing and to start training her for command duties. Giving her added responsibility, extra work, and trying to protect her from her troubled start in Starfleet.
Now I'm told she has been reassigned due to her specialized tactical training. In away I has wished I had recommended her for Command School. Though such is the way of service. I have placed Steel in her place and given him a field commission. I can only hope that Erys hand learn something from me and that her experience under my command will strengthen her career.
Murai isn't one to be sentimental in fact I'm sure she'd had just snuck off the ship if I hadn't caught her at the transporter to see her off. I wanted to give her a bug and tell her to keep safe. I didn't. We shook hands and she saluted during beam out.
Well then. I believe I must get going. I have science officer to give a hard time to for waking me up early this morning.I also have a lot to "dish" with her about Tanaka.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 22:04:27 GMT -5
(what Nyoko's log would be if given a chance to make one.)
Captain's Personal Log: Stardate: 88338.90
I have become a a captive of a Romulans special operations working covertly in the Deferi Sector. I was snagged by a transporter beam while apprehending a Romulan spy posed as Ambassador T'lan. Another phenomena is that I've learned that Ensign Steel a member of my crew has been Held captive as well on this vessel for several weeks. Leaving me with the unsettling thought of a copy Rich Steel has been planted to attain detail look of our ship's systems.
Things are quite a mess. I fear that I will be subjected to interrogation and all the dark Romulan methods that my include. So far Mister Steel has said they've only roughed him up. If that is all they have available then I believe I will be able to hold out until an escape option presents it's self or The Okinami rescue me. I do have some concerns though for Ensign Steel as he seems unable to focus or stable emotionally. He has also been drugged, it seems I must be ready for that type of abuse. As for Mister Steel I must show a solid, hard front if he is to survive this situation with any sanity. I hope I have that strength.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 22:04:05 GMT -5
Captain's Personal Log Stardate: 88338.32
I had a nightmare the other night. It was rather disturbing yet quite clear. The dream stacked all the fears in my life into one scare No Win Scenario. The memories of the dream were so vivided too that even this evening they still remain with me. I could begin to tell you how releaved I was when I awoke. The stress seems to be getting to me and command isnt an easy job. That in it's self could haunt someone in there dreams. I read on the ships database that 90% of dreams aren't ever remembered. I could only wonder what nightmares I may be having un-be-known to myself. In rather case this one scared me last night.
Everything was so real even the buring computer smell. I think that was one of the things that stood out vividly as I recall the dream's events. It is no secret for any captain to worry about losing control of there discipline o. The bridge. Though with the scarey power that the Raiders weld in weapons I was convinced I watched Tanaka and his crew parish. I shut down on the bridge gave up on my crew. Slipped into a black void that I couldn't escape from. Then voices calling me, expecting me to have the answers, the decisions that decied who lives and who dies. Hundreds of voices calling to me in various ways that all in could do was hold my head and scream stop over and over.
Then I woke up. I don't quite know what to do. I suppose then distance between Hann and Is working as well as I would like, or rather others.
Doctor Proloc had some interesting insight on situtation and his opinions didn't differ all that much from Liz's. However I have to wonder would I really shut down in the face of my belove's death?
If so, will my weakeness be at the cost of my crew, my ship, my career?
I don't have the answers to theses questions. I do know the longer I and Tanaka are apart the harder this road will become. The easier it would be to turn my attention to something more immediate. Liz would call it cowardly, but cant she see the weight that this bears on my tiny shoulders?
The nightmare only serves as a reminder of the risk involved in our relationship. To make matters more complicated I haven't felt like this about someone since Alex. Tanaka finds his way to my thoughts frequently in my day. Often in such a detracting way that I have to push my paper work off on Joy. Many things cause me to spend time thinking about his well being. If he's taking good care of himself or if he's safe. Sometimes I find myself starring out he window wondering if he's doing the same.
I swore to myself after Alex was burried that this mistake wouldn't be made again. Now here I am 10 years later forced to endure the risk. But the most daunting task is waiting for him to be done with his mission. Mission I am even cleared to know the details, all I know is that it's secret, and important enough to back door rotation menuver. All for the "greater good".
Well he can feed that pack of shit to an Ensign that don't know any better. Tanaka, Myself, Talia all did our part. I think it's time that Bastard of an Admrial looks beyond his weakness to inspire some new leadership then to pull backhanded deeds. All rules apply to everyone else but him. Why? Because he belongs to another time of outdated and obsolete values. Im sick of that mentality. I have yet to lodge my formal complaint to Brain Donaldson but it is on the List of things to do. Although its those same values that my crew depended on for surveil during our mess with the Admiral Valoura Impostor. Had I know what kind of Sacrifice Tanaka must make yet again, or what dangerous Task he and his new crew must face, I would have put my career on the line then to sign that deal. The thought of Tanaka having to pay for a favor that was granted to me, not only unfair but obtuse.
Although as they say a cigar is just a cigar. No matter how I hash it Tanaka, myself, we all have a serious job to do. That doesn't make feel any better, nor does it make me miss Tanaka any less.
I've taken up Doctor Prolc's advice to get my mind off this rut tomorrow afternoon Liz and I are going on a Halodate. I'm looking forward to going on a Action Adventure with my best friend.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 22:03:58 GMT -5
Captain's Personal Log,
Things are slowly being restored on the Okinami Computer Network. It was this morning that my personal files had been restored. I am happy that is out of the way. It's been very difficult to draftees with out my archive od J-Pop.
Commander Alcar has joined my crew and as in with he past he is a long winded as ever. It is my concern that an awkward situation my brew since Miss Dulan and Alcar were romantically involved in the past. To make matters worst, Joy and her new interest are serving here on the Okinami. I can only imagen what kind of drama this is going to develop into.
I have been comsidering the questions about romantic relationships in the workplace. As I read Anthropologically military hierarchy structure that defines roles with responsibility, accountability, and structure. Romantic relationships undermine this system. Then I have to wonder if what i have with Tanaka falls into that category, perhaps It does, perhaps it don't.
Hann has been on my mind alot lately. Liz has been ever so nosey. I went to the Accadamy to lay it out on the table for Tanaka. The results were heart wrenching as we didn't even have to say the words. Our emotioanal were in sync. He said what I wanted to here, he touche me in the way I wanted to be touched, and he understood me the way I wanted to be understood. Yet he picked duty before me. I felt foolish. Foolish that I thought it would be different. The results were disappointing and I blamed Liz. Typically I understand duty because had the situation been flipped I'd be the one breaking hearts.
The days that followed seemed to be the loneliest. I reflected the results based on my experiences and I felt cheated again. My father constantly picked his unformed over I and my mother. During he earliest parts of my life I was influenced with the opinions that his work was noble, his work was Important. I never resented my father until recently. Until i started to develop feelings for my beloved.
I look back now and I understand why I've avoided commitments after Alexs death. First it was about grief and moarning that went with the death. Then my needs were grew hungry and I saught fligs and one nighters, weekend boy friends to satisifie the needs. That went on pretty well for years. Boy friends came and went never staying long enough to get attached, or to develop real feelings. I focused the rest of my attentions on my career making ever effort to chase my fathers star.
Then I realized that this was how it had to be. I was never giving up my command, not for anyone, and the chair and he forth pip became my signifgent other. I was conten with that. As a result my vacations were shameless. I even had little black book of men I used to see on Risa. The arrangements were simple and kept me from being totally destracted from my career. It also prevented me from making my father's mistakes.
Nothing was more defining for me I had learned he was seeing a student. It sickened me and again I reflected about his choices. How he put us second and now that his career was an end he goes and picks up some youthful cadet kicking us his family to the curb. I don't think I ever want to forgive him. It's hard.
Then Hann came into my life. He like the others was to be temporary. The sex wasn't even that thrilling now that I think back on that. Yet some how he slipped beyond to give me more. His cool and calm persona, his ability to bring me balance and touch me in ways I couldn't have wondered. Then things got serious while he was on the Ayanami. I turned began to put distance between himand myself for over a year. I even took the initiative to have a fling with an ex boy friend in an effort to devalue what we had. That blew up in my face because no matter how hard krim thrusted all I could think about was Tanaka. It made me feel empty, it made me feel lonely, as the months went on I came to terms with that time would drown these feelings of mine. Elizabeth Rendino had much to say about that.
My dear friend pushed and pried into me for over six months to quit the silent treatment. The other week when I was quarantined and my chair taken from me because of an infection. I had started to consider what exactly I was without my chair, my ship, my command. Then I felt lonelier then I had ever felt in my life. Those long medical leave hours where the toughest of my life. When Liz came to see me in the morning I cracked under he pressure as she had made a very good point. She told me my command was a timer ticking away day by day. She said one day I'll have no command but if I act now I'll have Tanaka. It made so much sense to me then that ran to find Hann to finally confess. When I found him and learned about another separation that he was choosing a mission over me. I was hurt. Although hurt all his actions fostered my lobe for him. I wanted hurt him, provoke him into a fight so I could write him off. So I can finally say I tried To Liz bu it did t work out, so leave me alone. Though moving cracked Tanka. It was as if he had antispates my evey move. I tried to through my unfaithful actions in his face. His response was care. When I had nothing left but to cry my eyes out he comforted me. Then he was gone like an Samurai off to fight for his emperor. I'll never forget the picture of his back and the sun set as he walked away from me. It made me feel like I wanted nothin to do with feelings anymore. We were separating again, this time I had no idea what to expect. It was like reliving Alex's departure all those years ago.
I had decide then that I was back to square one. I was facing the same crap that I had figured out almost 10 years ago. That no matter what, the chair the fourth pip will always be before me. Just like... My father did to me and my mother. I had decide to let the separation dissolve us into memories. I had wanted too have another fling I even looked up some old boy friends of mine. Except Liz had made my feelings her business.
I was upset with Liz alot. I had even contemplated remind f her her role on this ship. That her relationship with me was beyond professional for he two of us. I wanted to smash her and hurt her. So that she would understand what she was doing to me. When she had came to my ready too. I had every intentions to kill the friendship on one climatic thrust.
I couldn't. As angry as I became, I couldn't bring myself to that. Yet I was so close too. I had taken the offensive, I had reslorted to shouting. Then as she fed my plasma fire with antimatter, I had her cornered with no points left but to repeat herself. I was about throw her out the room, I was about to send her to the bottom of the duty roster. Whatever it would take to make her hate me. Then fate took a other turn.
Tanaka called me. We spoke sweet words to one another and he had divulged some information to me about decisions he was going to make. He wanted to give up his command turn to the core of engineers as a job. As perk I am sure I know, it would place him next to me more often. Almost a dream come true. Now I sit here wondering how long it will be before I am in his arms again. How long will it he before we can share this passion for one another openly. How long will it be before in can correct my mistake of turning my back to him after we finished being intimate instead of snuggling upon him and falling asleep on his perfect belly. I hope it's sooner then later.
Computer, end log... [End Log]
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 22:03:45 GMT -5
Captain's Personal Log Stardate:88265.50
I find the adjustment to my new command going smoothly enough, while all the duties are not much different then what I am used too, this ship is as foreign to me as any new boyfriend would be. She is different in meany aspects, such as size, intelligence, lay out and I'm sure the list can go on.
I remember my first day on the Ayanami and my very inexperienced bridge crew struggled with the differences. The experience is very smilier however as I watch my bridge crew do there jobs it seems Elizabeth has adapted the quickest. She is dancing about her bridge console, and between her science lab like she had been at her post for years. Though Liz strikes women who is as flexible as water and can adapt to anything very quickly. Certainly has proven that quality doze n times over. I admire that detail about her most.
Miss Chen has welcomed the change as well. Though she strikes me as an engineer that only cares about the state-of-the-art technology and the Okinami certainly does't disappoint in that department.
Our newest editions De'silva has been developing a soild relationship with the crew and Miss Dalun specifically. Though I am one to look the other way when it comes to romance between officers under my command. I have to wonder if Miss Dalun has the discipline to keep feelings off he bridge. Personally I have never been one to carry a serious relationship with a collugue. I have always found that kind of commitment distracting to my duty and quality of work. I can only hope Miss Dalun multi-tasks better then I in this capacity.
Dr Proloc is as much a mystery to me as blackmatter. He quiet, reserved, and seems like he has a life time of experiences beyond just his profession. I gusse I'll need more time to learn about him.
The new master chief and I have shared very few words. Though such is typical for a officer and an Non-Officer. In some ways I still sore with the loss of Werner and I'm not interested in traveling down old paths. Somthing tells me the new chief don't care much beyond orders and task when it come to the ship. So it works it's selfout.
Lt Murai has been on my mind lately. It seems the advance training has caused her a more problems then it solved. I noticed the difference the first day she reported in. I silently fear if I had made a mistake in sending her for that caliber of training. That the training may have damaged her in some way. Then I wounder if she's taking personal responsibility for wetness death. She is a complicated girl and holds all her stress in her chest. Rarely does she complain, at lest not openly, and she is task focused a quality I have come depend on. Yet she is distancing herself away from the crew. It is in my experience that action leads a transfer request, or laps in fatal error.
I ran into Captain Hann at starfleet command in between meetings. Our conversation was short but pleasant. As many of our conversations are. I do wonder though how pleasant he would be if I came out and told him about Belar and I. Though that seemed like such old news now. In fact Belar was supposed to meet me on Risa but he never came. Just as well though i suppose, I don't need any complications at this time. Still I can't stop fancying about Tanaka as he is always seems to say things that make so much sense or so meaningful.
I find myself looking at the photo I have displayed on my dest of Laure, Werner and myself. I can describe how much I miss them. I wish things were different. That they were here with me again and that we'd all be meeting up for drinks tonight. Yet they are gone and I am alone. I have nothing left but a picture and some very fond memories.
A few weeks back Joy comforted me about how I deal with my personal relationships. Although I know she was geniuanly consired about my wellness when it comes to being lonely. I didn't really want to talk about it. Though I was polite and tried to explain to her why things are the way the are in my life. That adding a man in my life would only cause more complication and unneeded distraction. It didn't make sence to her. Yet as much as she has life times of experiences to give in advice she doesn't carry he burden I do.
I am a Starship Captain given the responsibility to see my ship, my crew and the mission to success. One wrong choice can spell out doom for my crew and myself. Although I have come to love my job, it is a budren, my curse, my blessing. I cannot fault Miss Dalun for not identifying with this. She isn't part of that Command Culture, as such she don't share the values of that community. Not like Hann does anyways.
I didn't swing by to visit my father. I just didn't want to. More over I didn't want to see this cadet he's been courting. That thought just turns my stomach . I just can't accept the illresponsanble decision he has made.
Well, tomorrow Admiral T'Nae has one more mission for our fancy little ship. It seems she has had ship as reliable and advance as the Okinami in her command in years. Hopefully we can get this mission completed quickly. The faster the better too, I want to put as much distance between me and that sinister race known as Romulans. I never trusted them, nor will I ever. Torture was something that earth had given up for centuries. The Romulans call it an art.
Well we will see. Computer end log.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 22:03:21 GMT -5
Captains's Personal Log Stardate: 88233.88
The events of last night's mission has left me with profound grief. It was a dangerous mission one that all the science went wrong. The death of my dearest friend weighs heavily on my shoulders.
Admiral Spenta once told me these things get easier as they are an everyday occurrence on a starship mission. The relationship I had with Master Cheif Werner although Professional was a close one. The transporter Chief beamed Commander Dulan out under the report that she was Injured. Commmander Dulan's report states facts of the countary. Werner sacrificed his life to ensure that Commander Dulan had a chance. There is no end to the amount of courage it takes to accept death face first. Everyone who has anything to say about this can only summarizes his actions as noble and courages.
The shuttle broke apart right after miss Dalun was transported aboard. Leaving us no time for one more transport. I can only imagine the mental state my XO finds herself now. Though she like I must carry the burden of command has to accept this as it is part of our job to decide who goes on the dangerous missions.
We are currently bound for Starbase 39 as we close the gap in distance I'm faced with the difficult task of hosting his memorial. A part of me really wished I took his retirement request seriously. Though at the same time Joy would be dead then. There no taste more bitter then choosing between your friends who has to die. I hate it, it is likely I'll always hate it.
Among all the adventures I've had with Mr Winterhagen I now have to sum him up in a few sentences before men.
[End Log]
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 22:03:04 GMT -5
Captains Personal Log:
Seems the we are forced to remain in limbo until we learn more about what the playing field look like. At the moment most our contacts have gone silent. A ominous gloom left on myself and my command staff. Feels like our enemies are attempting to box us in.
However, with the Aktuh and it's state of the art cloaking device moving unseen will be much easier. Its with this edge over of enemies that may see what the next attack maybe like.
However life goes on the Ayanami as we remain stationary. I must say however with the division of our command staff between the Aktuh's bridge and ours things are a little more lonely around here.
Very shorty commander joy and her crew will have to depart too check out some leads. I have decided to transfer two of the tri-cobalt torpedoes to her command only to be used with the absolute dire situation or under my explicit orders.
It was also Werner's birthday today. How I forgot is beyond me. Apparently since I replaced my padd the event planner data was never updated. Then to forget totally.... -sighs- I ll have to put sone effort in how to damage control this.
Lt Commander Rendino at every turn has exposed her continue support for me and extended hand of friendship. Typically my response are cold, and generic, inless the officer is hot guy. Though, with vacancy that laurel has left with me. My emotions, my heart forces me towards filling the space. continually she has defeated my efforts to be distant as if becoming my friend is one of the challenges she seeks.
Though I really enjoyed our late night this evening. I also ended up sharing some of my more intimate secrets with her. While it seems so foolish it was refreshing. It made me feel like a teen again gossiping about the boys.
I am told Liz likes art or more accuretly has quite a gallery. I find myself hopping that she will invite me to see it.
[END LOG]
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 21:58:59 GMT -5
Star Date: 88298.20 Personnel: Captain Honda Location: USS Ayanami Title of Log: Patrol Mission A
Captain's Log,
This evening was beyond my understanding. I have ran 100s of briefings for missions that Star Fleet command have passed down or other fleet commands have requested. This evenings mission briefing involving Lt Alcur's and assingent refusal came at a surprise. While this mission wasn't tatcial by nature the Lieutenant was very difficult to moivate. Not only along with him but Captain Parker too question the pramatores causing a direct disruption in he chain of comand.
It was surreal, I couldn't believe officers, my officers, out right challgening tasks handed to us to bring aid thousands of colonist and to assist allies among the crippiled Romulan Star empire, at he same time search for more clues to the weapons being constucted by the extremest leader Empress Selena.
Then to be accused of being a war monger as if I had issued orders to planetary bombard cities of a peaceful world. As if I was violating the Prime Directive or issuing criminal orders. I fail to see where prime directive or ethics fall in the face of clear and present danger when considering the weapons that the extremist leaders are developing.
Yet we are to ignore it in the face of old treaties that have long since been dead and violated by Reimen bullies, and Romulan War Lords. There is no telling how far this new self proclaimed empress will go to control all her rivals and place blame on the empires oldest rival, the Federation.
I am completely disappointed in Lt Alcar conduct. As it has become less and less productive in terms of military behavior. Then I can't but to believe this was some plot to challenge my authority as a new made Captain. In conjunction with today's efforts and Lt Alcar's demeanor at my promotion ceremony perhaps he is harboring resentment towards me in the believe my promotion was undeserved.
Then there was Captain Parker he of all officers should be in the know in terms of what the operations of starbase 39 and previous missions carried out by other Commanding Officers of the Daedalus Mobile Fleet. Not to mention utter betrayal my trust in his comradery to insight a disruption of if command ion front of Junior Officers. Setting a poor example, and embarrassing me in front of my troop.
Although all this seemed so out of character for Captain Parker a Commanding Officer even Lt Ti'Agira was astoundingly surprise to see questioning of orders that no one has questioned prior to my promotion. Perhaps he too has found resentment in my forth pip.
In all my out rage as I was embarrassed and accused of vile and derogatory ethics for doing my job and out right challenged on my day view as a Captain in Starfleet. On grounds of ethically questionable orders that have no merit in terms of the prime directive litigation or actions that will violate no laws of humairty that haven't been clearly dismissed by the radical regime that controls core of the fragmented romulan empire.
Parker accuses Admrial T'Nae for making efforts to provoke war yet she has ready issued challenges to rid her empire's sworn enemies in the believe that federation blood will solve her nations problems, to me that sounds like Earth's Germany in 1938. When the only the thing preventing open war and a second front is the romans inability to become organized.
Now I am to embarrass the fleet before Admrial Donaldson's Commanding Officers as the fleet had a failure in it's ability to operate. I can only feel shameful to how this had to turn out. A complete failure on my part to conduct my job as promise to do at my ceremony, and that my first Task as Captain in Starfleet had to turn into a legal bout where advocates will have to battle disciplinary actions.
What a sicking mockery of The Chain of Command!
-long pause and a grunting sigh-
With all this I intend to see that this out right display of disobeying orders and Lt Alcar's smug addituid he has had since my ceremony be stomped out or end with the removal of his Command.
End Log.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 21:58:45 GMT -5
Star Date: 88284.11 Personnel: Captain Honda Location: USS Ayanami, Earth Spacedock Title of Log: Last Commander's Log
Commander’s Log,
As an official note, this will be my last log as a Commander. In a few days administration will pass a request that was submitted by Admiral Donaldson without my knowledge for promotion. This news was sprang on me as an utter surprise at my Award Ceremony for detected work I had done since my home coming from the Romulan Front. While I was profoundly honored I have mixed feelings about such advancement. While it is true that I am often handling the work of Captains, perhaps even admirals, there are perks that I will miss as a Commander. Things like not having to be entirely responsible now for things above my rank grade. Though there is of course there are captain’s perks to consider as well.
The event was a dream come true in some shape. How I miss judged how this event would turn out was beyond me. Something should had told me something when I saw my father and mother in Spacedock earlier this stardate wishing me well. Admiral Donaldson must have contacted them as well. All the while as I stood on stage among friends, family, and peers. They all did me the honor of being part of this surprise.
Among the crowed were some to consider. Captain Dullan was there among my peers as well. Her reactions seemed to some what disapproving as perhaps she didn’t feel I deserved it, or was somewhat resentful that such honors were placed on me. I wonder if such resentment is based around the assumption that I am a favorite among the top brass. Although she we did trade civilities in terms of opinions about such. I choose to remain humble and polite as mandatory of my culture. Howerver if I could ever feel the silent rivalry between me and Captain Dullan I certainly felt it today. It’s unfortunate in a lot of ways.
Talia was there too. She was genuinely happy for me. I believe our encounter on the bridge of the Lady-G was inspiring for her. As she had left me a personal gift, though I haven’t come to decode the culture meaning behind it, I am quite sure it’s important and meaningful. I must have really made an impression to this Andorian woman. Although my next days will be jammed packed with preparations for my new rank, and cleaning up my damn quarters from the tribble prank my old Starfleet Roomate Meranda pulled on me. I really must make the effort to do something extra nice, or set a time for socializing.
While standing among the crowed that were clapping, and patting me on the shoulder I really became disoriented. Such events really dully my senesces and I even though I caught a glimpse of Captain Frost arriving late for event even though he had responded to the invitation as being preoccupied with important starship matters. Squeezing this in was very sweet of him. He too I’ll have to give a little extra attention too.
While my hazing due to Meranda’s prank whooshed me away to find my room littered with Tribbles, I didn’t even have chance to throw myself a after party. Though I was able to enjoy some time in my ship’s officer’s lounge with my father and mother sharing our thoughts about my advancement over some hot green tea. Then I had too sleep on my ready room couch while my entire engineering corp cleaned out the tribble infestation.
However almog an the wonderful things that was said to me, and about me that night. I cannot help to feel disappointed about one thing. Laurel wasn’t there to see my ascension. Of course there certainly was an excusable reason for such, I truly believe, but still the one friend I really wanted to be there wasn’t around. My heat tells me things between us may have changed since her and Mathias were put apart by Admiral Valoura’s forced reassignment of her ship, and then later Admiral Mathia’s to another fleet.
I wonder if she harbors resentment towards me about. If she did it would be sure to be a very, very sad day for me. While I am sure others would tell me I was being over critical and insecure. I can really only wonder. Her career never panned out properly after she had become involved with the previous admiral. She was passed over for permoition twice, and never given the Chief Medical Officer Task. Though I did all I could do to warn her she choice emotional attachment over her career. Truelly a sad story. Despite all that I only wish her well.
So. Here I am. Captain Honda, even my father has to salute me now. He does so happly. It's best I get to bed. I have an early start tomorrow.
Computer End Log.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 21:58:36 GMT -5
Star Date: 88246.90 Personnel: Commander Honda Location: USS Ayanami Title of Log: Devon's Wedding
Commander's personal log,
I have taken a few two days off to attend the wedding of Captain Scott, Task Force Commander of the 7th Fleet. It is with great reservation that I attend the wedding. As time heals my trauma and my head becomes clear I have grown to resent of Devon with his very shallow actions. As for his wife she annoyes me a great deal with the amount of public display of affection. I am not sure what sickens me more, that southern north American access that fancies vocabulary as my darling, and my love or the fact that she makes such personal feelings so public.
However family values dictates that I see this threw properly. Although it has cause me a great deal stress I have to attend this wedding with a smile. How I do not know.
Later this week Captain Frost my colleague and comrade had sensed my troubles and offered to join me at the wedding. I cannot begin to express my gratitude. While he had escorted me the entirety of the night. I found satisfaction in introducing Devon to Tobin. I can only speculate to how his assumption effected his inner emotions.
Although Captain Frost's appearance at my side this evening was purely platonic. I have found an a huge appeal for his size and frame. On level that I have been fantasizes about in the privacy of my own thoughts.
But more to this something deeper has intrigued me a great deal. There is something obviously deep and compassionate beyond those very familiar walls of professional attitude. I find myself attracted to it because I want to know his story.
Was it lost love like myself? A family catastroph? Bad childhood? A shameful life choice?
Although my curiosity has me wondering, I have to remind myself that it is none of my business until he decides to share it with me. To ask about such things would be very rude. After all the last thing I want to do is describe the results of Alex's death.
While the after party of the ceremony was rather lame. I had decided I had for-filled my respects and was among the first to leave. At the end Tobin had taking me by surprise. While I found satisfaction in what it was like for Devon to see me dangling off of to Tobin's arm, Tobin's display really made it cretin to Devon. Although it was all an act on my dates part. Yet now that i lay here in my quarters now, I wonder what made him do so.
I am glad that I no longer have to entertain Devon's attention anymore. Now that I showed my respect as my family honor demands of me. I can slowly let the friendship slip away now with no regrets. For Tobin had helped me get closure for standing at my side and I had faced my challenge head on.
Yet something happened when Tobin dropped me off. I am left here with curiosity that maybe beyond a physical attraction. So I is here by myself wondering what if having me close like tonight has altered his perception of me.
Time will tell I am sure.
Computer End Log.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 21:58:26 GMT -5
Star Date: 88196.14 Personnel: Commander Honda Location: Risa, Tranquility Island Title of Log: 10 Day Vacation
I have arrived here on Risa. I had decided to vacation on Tranquility Island which is more popular then some of the other resorts. I decided to do this so that I'll be among people then being reclusive. The last thing I need is being alone. I had enough of loneliness during my captivity. I have checked in with the local rangers and have rented the grass hut at the top of the mountain. It's little more remote then I had wanted though view is mystic. I find the sea breeze and the view far more healing then Starfleet Captains trying to get into my bikini.
Tonight I hear there's a bond fire party. It's a very poplar event and I am excited to attend. I look forward to having a few peniacolada and socializing again. Maybe I'll make a new friend or two. I sure need them these days. I have learned that while I was being held captive. Jr Lt Hayashia was killed in Action along the Klingon Front. Ship and hands all lost.
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Post by Vice Admiral Nyoko Honda on Aug 24, 2014 21:58:14 GMT -5
Star Date: 88132.75 Personnel: Commander Honda Location: Space Dock Title of Log: Reflections
It has been some time since I have made a personal log. It's likely I have always felt these things to be a waste of time or back handed way to trash your superior in the event of an investigation. I also feel what could be accomplished by spending the time recording this could be spent with friends and more importantly family. The doctors have recommend that I do personal logs to help empty my mind. So here it goes
My experiences at the hands of the Romulan Spies has made it difficult to share with love ones. The efforts to break my resolve was relentless. Psi Torture trials, constant physical strikes were very effective in breaking me down. They starved mr for Days on end battered my face when I was defiant. All of which after a prolonged amount of time I had broke. Then when I thought it was all over they gave me over to Klingon operatives who filled me with drugs to make speak.
When I was rescued It felt like angles riding on great eagles had flown down from the heaves to release me from my torment. My friends saved from enduring an additional round of torture. Now I have returned.
It has been an odd feeling. The best way I can describe it is that I had died and was raised from the dead. The adjustment with all the changes have been the hardest part.
The command staff has changed and my responsibilities divided up. In some ways I am glad yet in others it is tough to watch others decide what to do with the fleet I was put to administrate.
Admiral Mathias has moved on to bigger jobs so I am told. His involvement with the fleet has been near to none. He didn't visit me in while I was hospitalized after my rescue. I guess we all have to move on.
It also seem with the command staff missing or being reassigned many of the commanders have received permotions and the fleet now resides in the command and care of Brian Donaldson. It was almost like yesterday I did his introduction Interview. The change is a welcomed one though. I and the admiral had always connected real well.
I attended my welcome back ceremony. Although I was disappointed with it's attendance I was surprised of the people that did attend. It seemed that those who I was closet with prior to absence didn't make the effort to attend while those whom I never really connected with did attend. I must have left an important impression on them before my absence.
Brain has been so supportive in my recovery. Very kind, very understand, and most important very patient with me. He had really went out of the way to prepair a 20th century Japanese dinner one with fantastic sushi!
Then there was Devon. Who had been at my bed side the moment I woke. It was such a good sight to wake up too. Prior to my incident I had been finding him in my thoughts and quite often. I believe that I was falling for him. Until last night when I had learned that during my 5 months of captivity he had spent that time courting another women and had married her.
I can't really be angry at him since I laid no claim to him due to the speed I wished to move at but I found it to be one of the toughest disappointments to deal with. I am sad at the loss of companionship though it's not anything I haven't delt with in the past though what angers me most is lack of meaning in his words that I had taking for truth.
Although he swears up and down that's not the truth m I find it difficult to believe. As to throw my feelings aside after so we shared our feelings simply leaves me to believe there wasn't much after all. Actions spoken by the band he wore.
Then after he had realized my reactions his efforts to atone for his mistakes or perhaps his way of dealing with the loss of my feelings was almost a desperate and certainly unbecoming of a new wedded husband. Of which I had rejected his advances on me and reminded him he was married.
In reflection I am hurt. Hurt that I believed I was important to him. Hurt that while the enemy drilled holes in my mind I wasn't important enough. Well at the very least it's all behind me now. I doubt I'll be hid Devon company any time soon.
Although if his words are truth and they haven't been empty. I feel so bad for his wife for she married a man in love with another women. Truly a tragedy. One I want nothing to do with.
Admiral Donaldson had his debriefing with me as well. Awarding me two medals and assuring me that I won't lose my command commission. This had been something that I've been fearing since I woke.
So I am preparing to leave for a 3 week vacation. I'll be spending 10 days on Risa and 11 in japan. I haven't spoken to my mother lately well anyone for that matter. I had to destroy my data pad to prevent it from falling into enemy hands. So I have been disconnected. I'll have to pick one up when I return to Japan.
[End Log]
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