Post by Lt Cmdr Therese Xylvarenn on Nov 3, 2016 3:34:55 GMT -5
U.S.S. Sentinel - NCC-99014
Stardate: [X]
Personal Log: Xylvarenn
[Begin Log]
The young Trill sits in her quarters, relaxing in her lounge chair while enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and idly stroking the soft fabric of one of her all to many stuffed toy during this hosts lifetime.
In hindsight, this was not such a wonderful idea as it seemed like. But then... Was that not how this all began; Hindsight and a wish to go back in time to make everything right.
She chuckles lightly at her naive nature as a child and a fond smile forms on her lips as she looks down at the soft textile dolphin in her lap.
This is all Izren's fault, Therese was happy in Sol and at Daystrom... mostly, Be it a bit unadventurous and a bit to much arrogance at times, But she did fit in. Even after the joining it was an interesting posting, Yet the longing to be out there became to strong. Being sent back to Dido, even if only for fourteen days should been enough to convince me that this was not a good idea at all.
After Yaliciandra I thought no circumstances of death could be harder to come over, I was wrong. Or maybe I am just biased as that is a memory, this is ongoing.
Xylvarenn takes another sip and thinks back on how hard it had been for Izren when he was first joined to come over that he had left a widow and a child as his previous hosts was murdered. The guilt that had stalked him and how close he was to throwing away everything and blatantly ignoring Trill taboos regarding rejoining, Even if Jolinne was not joined, It would at least caused some serious outrages. Luckily for him and all hosts to follow; Jolinne was stronger willed then Izren and became one of the few women he so desperately had wanted but never got. Therese laughs as she thinks back on all Izrens exploits and a smile returns to her lips.
It was perhaps for the best that I could not be him, even if I tried. But I really feel like I let his crew down. It felt so strange being there, and it must been strange for them to, Especially the captain... My sweet sweet XO, I wish she one day understand how hard it was for me to reject her so lovely yet desperate tries to make it work again, I hope she will understand I did it for her... She needed her own life, and I could never be the one she had fallen in love with. Yet I love her... the sad part is; I probably love her more then Izren ever actually -truly loved- her. Sometimes, I wish to go back in time and yell at him.
She puts away her now empty cup and hugs her dolphin closely as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, holding it for a while and then exhales.
It all seems so easy in hindsight. I wonder how I will look back on this. At Daystrom and starfleet temporal science I was happy, More then that, I felt valuable, Important and like I was part of something. I had more say there then most senior researchers at times, I always felt like I was part of the loop.
At Dido I was euhmm... part of the team, Even if not in the way I wanted, I was valued... for things Izren had done. and I guess I was important, be course I got a chance to give them closure, Most of them at least.
At the academy I was... the one percent, Nothing else would have done for the committee, And I did become became joined. That in itself is feeling valued and important, Even special is an understatement to describe how much that means to me. Perhaps I am to used to being special, taking it for granted be valuable and feeling important. Maybe that is why I cant stand how useless I feel here, It gnaws at my very being, it makes me think that... In hindsight, It was not such a good idea to come here.
Xylvaress intense blue eyes opens again after a few silent minute of introspection, fixing on the dolphin she been hugging tightly the whole time, her fingers playing with its back fin enjoying how nice it feels to not wear the gloves she wears among people, instead feeling every little texture of the soft toy.
Not that it was entirely my choosing coming here. Perhaps this is an gift in disguise, I never realized how important it was for me to be appreciated and valued until I came here, and without feeling this Useless I probably would never have realized exactly how much I need feeling that and what they mean for me. Maybe it is like food, You don't realize how wonderful it is to always have food at the replicator until you been starving for weeks, and perhaps I been spoiled for far to long and need this reminded to not take things for granted. Maybe I should see if the councilor has some spare times and try to make the best out of my time here for now.
She smiles to her dolphin
Introspection can be such a wonderful thing, don't you think?
In hindsight, Perhaps this was not such a big mistake as I thought it was...
Time will tell.
[End Log]
Stardate: [X]
Personal Log: Xylvarenn
[Begin Log]
The young Trill sits in her quarters, relaxing in her lounge chair while enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and idly stroking the soft fabric of one of her all to many stuffed toy during this hosts lifetime.
In hindsight, this was not such a wonderful idea as it seemed like. But then... Was that not how this all began; Hindsight and a wish to go back in time to make everything right.
She chuckles lightly at her naive nature as a child and a fond smile forms on her lips as she looks down at the soft textile dolphin in her lap.
This is all Izren's fault, Therese was happy in Sol and at Daystrom... mostly, Be it a bit unadventurous and a bit to much arrogance at times, But she did fit in. Even after the joining it was an interesting posting, Yet the longing to be out there became to strong. Being sent back to Dido, even if only for fourteen days should been enough to convince me that this was not a good idea at all.
After Yaliciandra I thought no circumstances of death could be harder to come over, I was wrong. Or maybe I am just biased as that is a memory, this is ongoing.
Xylvarenn takes another sip and thinks back on how hard it had been for Izren when he was first joined to come over that he had left a widow and a child as his previous hosts was murdered. The guilt that had stalked him and how close he was to throwing away everything and blatantly ignoring Trill taboos regarding rejoining, Even if Jolinne was not joined, It would at least caused some serious outrages. Luckily for him and all hosts to follow; Jolinne was stronger willed then Izren and became one of the few women he so desperately had wanted but never got. Therese laughs as she thinks back on all Izrens exploits and a smile returns to her lips.
It was perhaps for the best that I could not be him, even if I tried. But I really feel like I let his crew down. It felt so strange being there, and it must been strange for them to, Especially the captain... My sweet sweet XO, I wish she one day understand how hard it was for me to reject her so lovely yet desperate tries to make it work again, I hope she will understand I did it for her... She needed her own life, and I could never be the one she had fallen in love with. Yet I love her... the sad part is; I probably love her more then Izren ever actually -truly loved- her. Sometimes, I wish to go back in time and yell at him.
She puts away her now empty cup and hugs her dolphin closely as she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, holding it for a while and then exhales.
It all seems so easy in hindsight. I wonder how I will look back on this. At Daystrom and starfleet temporal science I was happy, More then that, I felt valuable, Important and like I was part of something. I had more say there then most senior researchers at times, I always felt like I was part of the loop.
At Dido I was euhmm... part of the team, Even if not in the way I wanted, I was valued... for things Izren had done. and I guess I was important, be course I got a chance to give them closure, Most of them at least.
At the academy I was... the one percent, Nothing else would have done for the committee, And I did become became joined. That in itself is feeling valued and important, Even special is an understatement to describe how much that means to me. Perhaps I am to used to being special, taking it for granted be valuable and feeling important. Maybe that is why I cant stand how useless I feel here, It gnaws at my very being, it makes me think that... In hindsight, It was not such a good idea to come here.
Xylvaress intense blue eyes opens again after a few silent minute of introspection, fixing on the dolphin she been hugging tightly the whole time, her fingers playing with its back fin enjoying how nice it feels to not wear the gloves she wears among people, instead feeling every little texture of the soft toy.
Not that it was entirely my choosing coming here. Perhaps this is an gift in disguise, I never realized how important it was for me to be appreciated and valued until I came here, and without feeling this Useless I probably would never have realized exactly how much I need feeling that and what they mean for me. Maybe it is like food, You don't realize how wonderful it is to always have food at the replicator until you been starving for weeks, and perhaps I been spoiled for far to long and need this reminded to not take things for granted. Maybe I should see if the councilor has some spare times and try to make the best out of my time here for now.
She smiles to her dolphin
Introspection can be such a wonderful thing, don't you think?
In hindsight, Perhaps this was not such a big mistake as I thought it was...
Time will tell.
[End Log]