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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Feb 11, 2011 17:59:38 GMT -5
Stardate: (X) Commander Joyaus Dalun. Commander. I'm still feeling angry about being drummed out of command. No denying that. It's a... refreshing change, however. It's more interesting to have a colorful career, rather than one filled with prestige and good marks and being a model person...
Nothing wrong with getting dirty. Maybe there's nothing wrong with notoriety. Breaking some rules. Cutting some red tape. Otherwise defying and striving for something better. Different.
First time I've actually felt like sitting down and doing a journal entry in awhile too. Something about today just made me want to write out what's in my head. Something about these quarters... that beautiful rose Dovan gave me. The window between myself and hard vacuum, looking out into the stars. None of the horrible sense of dread I usually get when I look out there. That sense of "there are dark thing in dark places out there." For once just awe at the beauty of it all. These quarters are actually the size of my captain's quarters on the Damascus. Benefits of a larger ship, I suppose.
Spending time on the bridge reminds me of how tall I am, nearly matching the Master Chief in height, with that tiny human captain shorter than I. Such ferocity in a tiny package, yet still so calm. Admirable. Very admirable. I'm just glad they put me on a ship with a capable captain after stealing my rank and command. Could have just as easily drummed me out completely, or stuck me in a political cubbyhole.
I do admit that I did enjoy teaching... If things don't work out on the Ayanami, I think I might settle for that. Save the rest of the glory for the next host.
In a side note, I'm honestly hoping that Dovan doesn't decide to celebrate that stupid human holiday... what was it? Valentine's Day? Looks like a bunch of pointless sentimental garbage.
Though to be fair, I kept that flower.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Apr 2, 2011 20:36:51 GMT -5
Stardate: (Current)
This is bad.. This is all terrible. I'm glad Captain Honda listened to reason.
I hate them two. They took the man I loved and nearly took everything else from me, but Genocide is not the answer here. Nyoko, I know you're hurting, but everything to do with Dr. Orkney's research is tainted. Wrong. Use it for a detection system and destroy every other application. Or else we'll be everything the UNdine think we are. Monstrous invaders out to destroy them.
No. We might need to actually push for diplomacy in this war.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on May 1, 2011 17:02:35 GMT -5
Stardate: 87068.53
What a day. I can imagine that Nyoko might be a bit hard on Liz after this. I'll have to note for her that this ship of ours... could use some improvement.
Either way, everybody did their jobs well as could be expected in the circumstances and I'll probably give glowing reviews to everyone. Still, I bet Erys could use some brushing up. I'll throw some of my personal "snowball" adaptive tactical training sims and see what sticks. Hopefully not that little knife of hers in my back, but she's gotta learn some how. She'll thank me later.
Next order of business is... interesting. So far the scanner said it was here, that there was no fluidic monster parading as Clover... But we'll only be able to see with time. I think it's her, but Nyoko will probably second guess and fear the worst until she's satisfied. But I think we've got our pilot back. Either way, if the Klingons suspected she'd been replaced at all, they've had killed her. Letting an infiltrator back into Starfleet seems counter to their previous actions. They've been hunting suspected infiltrators far behind our lines, like the Incident on P'Jem with Ambassador Sokketh a few years ago. I'm absolutely delighted to see her again... And I hope she tries to get back into the Symbiosis Program again... But I have to admit that the psychological trauma she's been through would look BAD on a reapplication. Well... Maybe they'll let me be a field docent for her with my experience as Jor. I should be able to help her through this.
Of course, with a new pilot again, I'll be back on the Ops console soon. Seems kind of wasteful to up Me, the Exectutive Officer on the damn Operations console... but it does give me a good headsup of the crew and the ship and everything else. Either way, on the Ayanami, everybody works. Must be that... Japanese Work Ethic or something. Of all human sub cultures, the japanese are the ones I understand the least.
Can't think of anything else to ramble on about other than hoping that Captain zh'Kor comes back alright.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on May 3, 2011 16:30:46 GMT -5
Personal Log, Supplemental
Watch your temper! ... I might need to draw that cynical, controlling bastard out and see if he can help me with self control without insulting me constantly. Nyoko's right, Werner's right, Liz is right. I've been disruptive and contrary too much.
I guess to be fair, I'm worried about Clover. A great deal. I hoped so much so long ago that she'd prove worthy of joining. I'm worried about her psychological state and now Nyoko is... [faint sound of bare feet scuffing across the carpeted floor, as if pacing] It's her. It has to be. 11% chance? That's not too small. I'm willing to risk that for my friend. Either way that was the friendliest scolding for subordination I've ever had in my entire career. Sometimes I wonder if Japanese Humans have self discipline that would make Vulcans feel inadequate. And she does listen to me... why did I say she didn't... We need to make sure it's her. [deep huffing sigh]
And of course then there's what happened that night. [she laughs candidly, obviously over the incident] It's been a long time since I've been an explorer and a scientist rather than a warrior. It was fun. I helped out Liz while working on the Artifact. I keep kicking myself because I simply let it go when it discharged at her. [voice goes to solemn contemplation] It turns out it threw her out of phase. Didn't have me at the best of moment either. I don't think I've fallen asleep in my uniform like that since the Academy.... ended up running down the hall for a shower nearly topless so I wouldn't be late for shift. Somehow she didn't log it despite my seeing her log it. Maybe she was partially out of phase when she attempted to do so and the PADD didn't respond to her keystrokes? [cough] Well... maker that was an incident. Apparently we had Orion infiltrators on the ship as well, caught one of them and defused a few bombs that Liz found while she was out of phase. Nyoko had about given up when she finally figured out a way to contact us and Chen was able to use the transporter to bring her back.
That crystal can't be just for doing that... There's gotta be more to it. I'm going to bring up using Photonic assistants to manipulate it here in the future, however.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on May 23, 2011 4:13:42 GMT -5
Personal Log
[Her voice sounds incredibly strained, showing signs of great distress]
I can't get it out of my mind. Why. Why any of this? Why do they do this to us. To ME. If things were different.. I ..
No no no no no. [squealing inhale] I need to do this... Shen... Why do I need you now?
[shuddering squealing inhale and exhale, then silence for a moment.]
[silence is broken by a computer chime: "Incoming Message. Priority Command Channel. Holoconference system request made."]
What? Computer, who is it from?
[Computer Response: Lieutenant Commander Dovan Alcar.]
[an almost relieved sounding inhale] Computer, open channel, end log.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on May 23, 2011 5:29:34 GMT -5
Personal Log, continued.
[the sounds of a Water ration being used in the shower rather than standard sonic systems] Computer st-start log!
[thumping gait out closer to recording equipment.] Wait... was this thing still on? Computer...Uh... Erase the last... err... Eighty-four standard minutes of recorded audio.
[Computer Response: Record deleted]
I love you, Al... Damnit... Never did let you get into my pants while you could... Even if I destroy my friend's life, I could still die out here and never see you again... I'm going to... try to put together a formal request for additional counsel from him before the trial.
Normally my mind is... filled with useless garbage. Several lines of thought running through my mind at once... Only two now. Al and Erys.
I... hope she forgives me for how hard I have to try.... I'm confident Liz can beat me, but I have to try. Al gave me some legal advice. A lot of it actually... But I need him here. Most of all I need him. We both got shafted in a few ways with our careers... Though I think I'm better off here in the long run. [dejected sigh] Still, I think we deserved better. I'm going help you by hurting you Erys... [light chuckle] Bet Al would like you... he says he wouldn't, but I already know he'd faint after stepping on our bridge...
He's fat, slow, lazy... And Yet he's something I wouldn't mind committing reassociation to stay with... I know I won't though. He wouldn't let me. How the hell did I let HIM charm me...
I guess I'm just getting old and realizing that some pretty little young thing is great and all... but someone with an actual mind, regardless of the body... That's something to cherish and hold. Then again, Erys has both. Ha... as Rutler, I would have... well better not put that to the record.
The important part here is... I'm still going to talk to Shen. There might be something to learn there.... but I need Dovan's help. End log.. I need some sleep.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on May 26, 2011 16:36:48 GMT -5
Personal Log, Supplemental
I've decided not to talk to Shen. Not yet at least. I started a treatment regimen of that medication Dovan suggested. A reminder that not everyone is compatible with Trill biochemistry. Probably better this way though even if I've.. Um... Started getting flatulence... Just like the doctor said... but It's better that than not be able to get a kiss without acid burns.
Anyways, that and i apparently got a bit of psychoanalysis done too. Dr. Damia Kassandra. A new addition to the crew as of the Solbianca's arrival. I'm pretty sure they ran her through the scanner too. But really... The senior staff is... entirely female now. This is just weird. Not that I mind. Not hard on the eyes at all, but something a bit more Masculine would be nice. Beefy.
Anyways, mind out of the gutter now, She wanted me to submit to therapy and sleep schedule changes because I'm overworking myself.
Also she wanted me to wear something that I felt made me feel "pretty"... Alright. I can do that. I'm intrigued. This could be fun.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on May 31, 2011 19:03:04 GMT -5
Personal Log
That was... interesting. Regardless, I feel like it's helping. Never thought Therapy would actually help, but I'm damn annoyed already with the restrictions on my free time... Single Shift restrictions and forced "relaxing" holoprograms? Really? C'mon, I feel my Best when I'm shoving someone's face into the dirt!
[cough] Though I suppose that explains her methods. Gives me some ideas for when I get Dovan out here.... Hey I just thought of a new nickname for him. Dove... HA! That'll wrinkle his ridges! My chunky little blue dove. [light chuckle] He is the kind of peacenick that'd like it. I'll let the Doctor know about this too...
Also we need to talk about family. Never opened up to me about it, so I think it might be a good idea to get him to.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Jun 6, 2011 19:12:06 GMT -5
Personal Log
[throat clear] Well... She's right. I think I might be a bit to... loud mouthed on the bridge... There's a lot to it. I think Kassie is right. Nyoko DOESN'T understand me. To be honestly, only other Joined would understand what we are. We are all influenced by the lives that came before us. A Sort of reincarnation. The bridge crew is entirely human save for myself, and M'Row if she comes up from the bowels of the engineering. They're all aliens to me. And I'm alien to them. And I butt heads with her way too often. I can't just... acquiesce to some of her more morally ambiguous demands... but I can't keep this up or I'll probably get kicked off.
I owe it to her to be more reasonable. Kassie's right. If it weren't for her, I'd be back at the academy Teaching still. Even if it was sabotage that cost me my shot at captaincy... I was still either too soft or too hard on my crew. Making strange decisions. This is my chance to start again. [sigh] And here I am ruining my chance by being an insufferable ass. I think I'll catch Kassie again later and ask her a good way to work with Nyoko more. And maybe explain to Nyoko that she's just as alien to me as I am to her.
Though long story short, I think Dr. Damia's form of therapy is working... I just hope another insect doesn't get through the biofilters again. They seem to love me.
On about the recent mission however... I can tell Nyoko was disappointed in me... I'm disappointed in myself as well. It might have been the Dryal. Disorienting me. I do have two brains thankfully so... It didn't bother me. Don't know why Erys claims she just felt like dancing.
Either way, was it the right decision to leave him down there? Didn't object too badly though. It made sense. They appear to be at least moderately powerful telepaths, so even if the Klingons did decide to invade, hopefully they'll be strong enough to just have a bunch of Klingons to party with... though we better hope they don't bring any Letheans.
If anything a tiny colony like that will go unnoticed. No real natural resources that we could immediately detect either. The captain also assured us that she was putting in a forged relocation request by Cen'zino too. Either way, I fought bringing them on board, saying that we were better having a different rescue ship, properly equipped for it's future telepathic cargo. We've got precious cargo of our own, and that man stealing the ship from under us would be disastrous.
Oh well... one last little hurrah for being an uppity bitch with him.
And what does she have that I don't anyway! I'm still insulted by... his lack of interest in me! I thought the spots looked exotic!
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Jun 23, 2011 18:42:06 GMT -5
Personal Log
So... A Bird of Prey...
This is going to be interesting. A pity Dovan can't see me now...
On a side note, Tricobalts? Ew... I like explosives as much as the next girl, but that's... They make me nervous.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Jul 12, 2011 9:49:44 GMT -5
Personal Log
[long silence before the audio finally starts] It's been a bit since a last put in a log. I don't understand any of this. Trill don't dwell. Trill move on. Trill realize that it's all transient, and everchanging. This is who we are. And yet I'm still feeling attached to a ship. It's just a ship. The Ayanami was a venerable ship, but still... Just that. A machine. A vessel. And here I am trying to be the strong one. Taking a note from Nyoko and standing up and telling the crew it'll be alright. To move on... and yet all I get is dirty looks from Nyoko and Erys so crushed she can barely stand. Liz and Chen nowhere to be seen. Werner completely Normal... which is Weird. I felt oddly unwelcome on the Independence. Oddly unwelcome amoungst the crew.
All those humans. I'm an alien to them. But I've been so expose to the outside, And I've lived seven lifetimes... I'm an alien to all of a few of my own species. Even if they revere me, if they've never felt this, I'm still alien to them. I'm the alien.
I'm the alien.
[another long silence.] What is it with those humans. I don't understand them at all. I've been around so long yet, while I have some idea, I'll never understand them. I didn't think I understood Why even either... But I think I do now. Why is the capital of the Federation on Earth and not Vulcan, or Andoria, or Tellar? Those damn humans practically lead, one would think... but while that's part of it that's not it. Earth is the most temperate of the worlds. The most "Average". A great many humanoid species can find the place comfortable. And in itself, human culture is fascinating... because it's so many cultures working together and blending. Earth itself IS the Federation. Humans still hold their own intercultural relations where it's been lost or severely subdued on the galactic stage in other species. Nyoko may well be more Japanese than she is Human. Liz more of a New Yorker... Krys more Chinese... Erys I'm not really sure about, to be honest... Looks asian but... not important. They hold this same attitude amongst their colonies too. An Alpha Centaurian is not a "Lunar Schooner". Then their "Fleet brats" have their own little sub culture.
By virtue of the suppression of their emotions, any Vulcan could be hard to distinguish from their fellows outside of appearance. Andorians, tellarites, Bajorans, Bolians and even us Trill all have a globalized culture. Earth... doesn't. Outside of Earth, humans gather together... but there's enough disparate culture on that one planet alone that they'd still be a rich culture now if they'd never taken to the stars.
And I am jealous more than anything else about that, I've come to realize.
So I will never come to understand any of my friends and crewmates. I will remain alone even among my own culture.
And I'm probably going to get another scolding from Nyoko... take it like an adult, then craw back to my quarters and cry myself to sleep. Never showing a single moment of weakness in front of the crew, being a hard, cold woman like her.
Where are you, Dovan. I need you.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Aug 5, 2011 2:57:12 GMT -5
Personal Log
[grumbling and rifling noises] Maker save me, I love him.
[End log]
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Aug 5, 2011 17:34:42 GMT -5
Personal Log
Alright that last one needs some explanation... The bastard... You haven't changed at all. Not in the slightest. It doesn't make any sense. How could it Not make any sense? I'm not Rutler anymore. I'll never be him again. Yet Tai comes from the same... It's just WEIRD. It SHOULD be weird. But I don't care. I feel like I've been the one pushing this... Well if it's weird for him he's gotten over it. Smells like any other human... but it's the most wonderful scent I've caught in a long time. Not enough time. Not nearly enough time. It's going to be like going to [untranslated Andorian] and back to hide this too... just because I don't think we'll be able to stay off each other AFTER this. And oh man, Admiral Razzor's head is going to pop like a ripe melon if he finds out.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Aug 6, 2011 7:41:19 GMT -5
Personal Log
Werner... You idiot. Why... You could have lived. I could have saved you. Why did you do that?
I could have saved you. I'd do it again. You... I'm sorry...
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Aug 9, 2011 9:16:54 GMT -5
Personal Log Stardate: 88235.54
[her voice sounds hoarse still, still having not bothered getting treated for yelling hard enough to damage her vocal cords] It has been a very long time since I have looked out at the stars and thought about the "dark things in the dark places" out there. I have the hope that we can fight them. And we have fought them. And won. But today... The Awe of space hits me again as I stand here wearing someone else's underclothes that are an order of magnitude larger than I normally wear. Almost as comforting as the arms they belong to.
Heh... all I have to protect me from the demons out there, and the demons within, is a counselor and doctor. Makes me wonder if I have enough.
I do. But I still need to be ready for the chief's service. [As if speaking to someone else] And SOMEONE will need to keep his hands to himself while we're there. We can't afford any more distractions for at least a little bit.
Supplemental
Tai is going to need to give a good deal of the crew a psychiatric once-over in the coming days. Even Nyoko is going to be hurting after this, even if she'll never show it. I'm going to recommend to him as part of my duty as executive officer that the command staff at very least, especially the bridge crew, and above the rest of them Liz, be given an offer for grief counseling and another psych eval. My own evaluation is likely already scheduled knowing Tai, and his support as my companion and... well Lover at this point is going to be more than needed for awhile too. Werner has been... was a close friend and comrade for a very long time. To all of us. He was been a pillar to this crew. A rock. I miss you Werner. You were family.
Supplemental
I also had a sudden thought after the other two portions of this log. I should probably apologize to Dr. Preloc at very least... and probably get to know him. I know this apprehension of him is... primarily Jor's. Not mine. His troubled and wounded mannerisms bleeding into my own. I am not him, but he is a part of Me. Come on, Joy, He's Cardassian, not Jem-Hadar. The war is long over. We can only hope I never had to meet those... People again. Just thinking about them makes my skin crawl. If Tai thought klingons(both in ridged and ridgeless flavors) and Romulans are bad... I should show him some of the holodocumentaries on the Dominion War and Bajoran Occupation. I should as him what he knows.
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