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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Aug 10, 2011 13:01:08 GMT -5
Personal Log Stardate: (shortly after the Service)
Our lives were touched so... closely by a dirty old man. I'm not sure if I want to shower until clean... or go back to crying until my tear ducts wear out. Everyone keeps telling me that I didn't fail despite how much I feel like I do.
He saved the inhabitants of the Europani system, and he saved me. I have to make it up to him somehow. And I'm leaving that still right where it is. I've... been looking into some things. Ancient myths. El-Aurian myths. There's something about that... Nexus Ribbon that I've heard before. Is it true? I don't know. If the stories are true about what that place is, No one has come back to tell the tale, and probably never will. If anything, even if the stories are true, Would Werner come back? Peace in Death... or Peace in Paradise. Perhaps it really is time to let go, isn't it.
A man in need of peace. I hope you find it Werner. But if somehow... but some statistical improbability that you DID survive, you'll always be welcome back. Your still will be waiting for you. And I'll make the sacrifice worth something.
The vulcans do have a saying. The needs of the Many outweigh the needs of the few. Or the One. I don't feel like the sacrifice was worth it... but I suspect I will eventually. And I can't change it now anyway.
Good bye.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Sept 13, 2011 0:51:15 GMT -5
Personal Log
It's been awhile since I've done a long. A lot has happened since we lost Werner. I got a chance to shove the doubts of the Admiralty down their throats by proving them wrong for one.
There is so much I should say... but so little that I can bring myself to. I'm so sorry Dove. I've made my choices... And I'm so sorry I had to hurt you like that. ... Maker that felt like something out of a bad Drama vid...
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Oct 3, 2011 14:36:27 GMT -5
Stardate 88372.90
I'll never get used to that. Even if I manage to live a thousand more years, I'll never get used to that. I hope I never do either. No one should become... Accustomed to that level of sheer carnage.
Of course I should hope I don't get put into a psychopath that slipped through the cracks... Anyways, either way I need some time to decompress after seeing that. The captain is worried again. Some of the crew wonder if it was a trap... so did I.
I don't think so now. It was a calling card. It was, "Hey, we're still here, hope you didn't forget about us." If they were still in the system waiting to ambush the next hapless ship to investigate, they would have. They could have at any time. The Okinami is no slouch. An advanced prototype and a formidable foe, but the weapons technology of these raiders is... amazing in many ways. How could such a violent and repugnant species have attained spaceflight? They must have stolen it... or something else. It is quite difficult to determine.
In other news, I've been thinking about Liz's behavior. It was disruptive. Nearly insulting. I know she meant it in jest... or I hope...
I'll have to have a word with her after I've had some time to clear my head. When I say "Focus" I mean "Focus", not "playfully undermine my authority as executive officer when I "ask" twice." She's my friend, but that doesn't meant I'm not still her superior. I WILL put my foot down. That is likely why Nyoko didn't. Nyoko wouldn't have tolerated that backtalk in a tense moment like that.
I think I need a proper session with de Silva instead of our... normal stress relief activities. So could Steel, I think. I haven't been keeping track, but I'm actively wondering if people are dodging him. I'm going to go over a list of people still needing to see him and sending it down as orders... I recall that there are statutes that allow him to relieve anyone he sees unfit for duty... We might just have to make this an issue. I'm worried about Ens. Steel anyway. Poor kid had to see that mess unprepared.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Oct 22, 2011 20:51:17 GMT -5
Stardate [to be edited]
[sound or something shattering, an enraged cry following]
Again. I failed again. I'll get you back... and you'll decide my next path in life.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Oct 25, 2011 13:22:02 GMT -5
Stardate [to be edited]
Anti-depressants? Really, Tai? Am I that bad? Am I so much of a mess right now that I need this? This might be what these pills are meant to fight, but I'm starting to actively wonder if my career is in it's twilight. SFC doesn't trust me to command in Nyoko's absence, I'm starting to wonder if the crew is losing respect for me, and I'm unable to think straight anymore.
Get the captain back, tell her how I've been doing, and if she relieves me, don't fight it. How have I lost so much confidence?
Gah, shut up and take the pills Joy.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Nov 8, 2011 16:34:13 GMT -5
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Nov 10, 2011 18:56:35 GMT -5
Personal Log, Supplemental
If there is a Maker of all things, it must be rather annoyed with me. They're reinstating my mother, Captain Awhsto Kemin, and putting her in Starfleet Command in an as of yet revealed position. No Promotion, but I doubt that'll last long. What it DOES mean, is that She might well decide to stop by for inspection or something else equally horrible.
How she knew about the inquiry and reprimand so quickly afterward I don't know. Must still have inside sources or something. Didn't seem like it when we went to see her last. Confusing and alarming.
Damnit, next thing you know, she's going to run an inspection of the Okinami and try to guess what underthings the bridge crew is wearing...
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Mar 4, 2012 21:52:33 GMT -5
Stardate: (inserter later)
Out of date again. I need to keep up the habit. Can't commit to record what I've talked about with certain parties yet... Liz you need to be quiet. Please let me know my trust isn't unfounded.
A few things... Getting worried about what I'm doing with my career. The last time I made a proper log I had a conversation with my mother about that. I got ANOTHER call before the current mission as well, wondering if I'll ever get a command.
I'm wondering that myself. I also can't believe I never noticed Al was back on the ship. Awkward. He's probably heard some of what i've been up to. I miss him sometimes. My old best friend.
I... I messed up and hurt you, but I love Tai too... I don't know.
I need off this damn ship. Just give me... I don't know somewhere stationary. I don't care if it's a damn desk job somewhere backwater. It'll give me the time I need to clear my head... or if it comes down to it, even have a foundation to settle down. I don't know.
I'm too uncertain for a commanding officer. Why is Mom pressing for it? What does sh eknow that i don't.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on May 1, 2012 11:46:27 GMT -5
Stardate: (later again)
Bad idea bad idea BAD IDEA. This entire thing is a bad idea. If this "leader" is who I think it is, I really doubt they WANT our help. If he's friendly to us to begin with, he'll have the pull to bring the Klingons at least to a long term cease fire to fight our other enemies rather than the possibility of the populace finding out.
Still, once again this shows the... Honestly Good that Martok did for his people. A Commoner, that fought tooth and nail for every scrap he had, against Prejudice and the disfavor of nobles... Then taking control of the Empire at Worf's insistence and leading them to victory in the Dominion War. A lowborn soldier became the most powerful man in the empire and lead them to a great victory and a great peace. Then Animals like B'Vat, and men like Jm'pok took advantage of his stagnancy. Then fell house Martok.
Andorians were always my "thing," and here I am spouting nonsense about klingons...
Thats it, I'm getting Erys too dig without revealing too much to her. She'll find out half of it herself If I know the girl well enough... But we need more Info. I have a bad feeling here.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Feb 23, 2013 4:53:24 GMT -5
Someone has it out for me. Someone definitely has it out for me. This is sounding paranoid, and undoubtedly someone is probably accessing these logs and will drag me BACK to get another psych evaluation.
Testing me to see if I have PTSD. Do I? No one ever told me any diagnosis. It's like these dragged me back to analyze the crew and myself then gave us a week to pack our things and go back Out again. Already getting marching orders again. No one's said a word to me or anyone. Just getting orders from ACCI. And then there's that ensign Nassan. Judging me. Constantly questioning my orders and competency.
Am I going crazy? Should I just retire? It's not like I'm getting any recognition or thanks for what I've done and how long I've served. There's a saying I heard once... the Squeaky Wheel gets the Grease.
More like the Squeaky Wheel gets the Kick. Maker, I'm complaining like a child. Like Seven lifetimes of experience has gone down the drain.
Still haven't planned the wedding, or had time too... Still haven't figured out how to regain my crew's confidence.
Still haven't figured out how to save Erys, and still haven't figured out how to move on, even when I say I have.
She was testing me for PTSD. Why haven't they removed me from active duty? If they pulled us for this, why have I been thrown back so soon? Are they trying to make me snap?
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Mar 9, 2013 15:06:53 GMT -5
-long sighing. The trill starts speaking in a groggy, sleep deprived voice-
Why now... why did they start again? -A phlegmy, juicy snort of mucus slaps in her nose, followed by a whimper-
They dreams are back. And there are also new ones. Those scaly horned faces... the ones I fear and hate... stupid white tube right out in the open, but I'm still too pants wettingly terrified to pull it out. Every time I see them in my dreams I'm reduced to tears and terror. I just want to run and hide and escape and get away and just not let any of this happen again....
But I can't do that. I can't die, or hide, or anything that feels safe. They've put so much trust in me. I have to continue on, even if I feel like walking wounded.
The new dreams are the worst... Standing on the bridge, alone, watching the cloud extend over HC-19(correct me if I'm wrong)... only to realize that the world isn't that one... it's Trill. I look over my shoulder And find one of those scaly bastards... some nameless faceless admirals in imposing uniforms from different eras... *sniff* People just bearing down on me, crushing me... and they they start ripping off my uniform, holding my face in place so I can't look away. Doing things.
What's wrong here, why... why am I like this. I can't let the crew know, I can't let anyone know.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Mar 11, 2013 11:07:18 GMT -5
Damnit, they know about the Dreams. The Doctor I was fine with, Spencer is friendly, nice and unlikely to break Doctor-Patient Confidentiality.... but now the rest of the crew knows.
... Also I think these weird aliens that stole Tibby's abs are some kind of... Extranet trolls. Because that's just TOO weird. I'm submitting a request to Desaj to investigate further. See what's what with this.
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Mar 25, 2013 0:00:43 GMT -5
Oh maker, *ecstatic squealing, far more girly than Joy has ever sounded before* IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKED IT WORKEDOhcrapwhataboutmycareer.
UH... What happens now? But it worked! Human-trill crossbreeding works and I bet they're going to be such a lovely shade of brown too *squeal*. It worked, I need to tell Tai. I know he said it seemed like did, but I need to tell-ugh, oh no. *dry heaving* Whurs the bin. *stumbling noises, a light crash and the sound or someone vomiting* Ugh, maker help me the meds wore off... computer end looauhg. *further disgusting noises as the computer shuts off*
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on May 7, 2013 13:26:07 GMT -5
For tomorrow we die.
I'm measuring the possibilities here. Whatever this thing Is, it doesn't look good. Just being around it warps subspace a kills us. For all we know it could be a cosmozoan that has no idea the damage it does. Or doesn't care.
I feel bigger. I'm out here risking both our lives, possibly even pointlessly. But I can't not. I have to do this. It's what I am, what I live for.
I feel bigger. Definitely starting to pack on some weight. I should ask Spencer about it. Maybe we can do something for it. This is insane, why am I out here? Why am I asking?
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Post by Captain Joyaus Dalun on Jun 3, 2013 8:59:20 GMT -5
-typed out with one hand on the bridge.-
No time for an appropriate captain's log right now, in the middle of the battle. Centurion seems trustworthy, will investigate further. Suspicions abound on the bridge, too many years of bad blood even with our "Enlightened" sensibilities.
However if we are betrayed she will pay for it.
Regardless I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I have to. Or else nothing we have claimed to believe in as citizens of the Federation truly means anything. I shouldn't need to have Xemion scan her...
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