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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Jan 23, 2011 4:30:34 GMT -5
The dream recurs again and again, I never see how it begins or how it ends...
The dark red emergency lighting on the Adagio bridge can barely been seen through the thick smoke. The ship is crippled the crew wounded the fleet sent to fight against the Borg armada is falling back.
But they will fail. They will all fall. But they have to survive. I will be their shield.
I connect to the ship...assuming control..restoring systems..diverting power...connecting to other ships....assuming control. Fleet command, online.
"What is happening?" Talia yelled in confusion.
"Systems are coming back online. I do know now how, but it is Xaelei doing it."
The pain..it hurts. The strain. Overwhelming. Every hit a stabbing pain.
With concern Talia asks, "Xae, what are you doing?"
"You need to live. I have to ensure you live. I will stop them"
Fire fire fire!!! tears of pain rolls down my face...
"Xae! Stop!! We'll get through this. Release control!", Talia ordered.
Fire fire fire!!! bruises and cut form on my body. I start to bleed. Blood gushing out of my nose...
"John, cut her off! Xae, let go!" Talia yelled.
"I'm trying!" John snapped with frustration.
Energize John and others start to vanish as I beam them safely away.
"Subdue her! Xae, stop!!" Talia ordered.
Shield erected It keeps them at bay and they too are away to safety.
Teary eyed Talia pounding on the shield , "Why Xae, why?!"
"It takes a monster to fight a monster. You have a place and a future, I have none. This is the only service I can provide to you."
Energize
"Xae! Noooooo!" echoes as Talia vanishes from sight.
Fire fire fire!!!
I fall to my knees. Systems failing..the pain is too great...I must....I must..
A strong hand helps pick me up. It's John. He is trying to get the blood and tears off my face. I cannot speak...but how?
"Does it matter? You are strong, but not even you can do this alone.", with a nod John concludes, "Let's finish this."
and the dream ends....
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Feb 10, 2011 19:20:55 GMT -5
I am glad Savok has the skill and does not mind assisting me with my implant maintenance. It makes things far less complicated....but I do wonder if he is fascinated with being so integrated with machines?
"He?" I could hear Shantal's voice clearly in my head.
Are you close sister?!
"No. I am boosting signal strength to contact you."
My initial excitement waned, What is wrong?
"We believe they are proceeding with the project and will contact you."
We all felt this day would come. It matches my dreams I have of it lately.
"Tell them I will submit myself to the project."
The machine spirit sings in us all, but my gift is in making others hear it..
"It is too dangerous. Let them make mistakes with me and adjust properly."
We all live to serve the greater whole.
"Let me..."
I promise if their ethics are clouded or their treatment of me poor, I will not proceed.
"Very well. We are with you always. Akaedyn'kaar. Consider and stay well" and the link went back to the constant, background awareness of a silent, but always present presence.
Shantal, our sister of steel. Her words and manner seem cold to many, but her awareness and actions convey the great caring she has for all. She is a protector. She is always vigilant. She will shoulder any burden and suffer any personal sacrifice in order to protect those in her charge. She never falters and never gives up. She is the pillar of strength I drawn upon when I feel my own strength failing.
Akaedyn'kaar. I cannot recall the language it is from, but I can translate the meaning. Lodestar: a star that leads or guides and also one that serves as an inspiration, model, or guide. It seems most fitting...
music for my sister of steel...
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Feb 16, 2011 21:14:14 GMT -5
Savok is proving to be a capable addition to the department. He is intelligent, dedicated, patient and thorough. He excels in theory and application; his resourcefulness I am unsure of yet. I sense he will have challenges in the administration of a diverse staff to achieve results. I will have to see what I can do to help him gain experience while I still can. While I still can...I sound like the others now, as if I am not coming back... I do need to ask Solia if she is comfortable sharing with me why she stepped down as the Chief Science Officer, and possibly see if she would assume the role if needed.
Victim of science...
I cannot recall my life prior to the Collective. I do wonder (or maybe it is a disjointed memory of someone else) to a time in the past , before the Collective, if it was simply scientific discovery to improve or survive...maybe the Borg are victims of their own science?
I do recall the lab. The scientists. The tests. The horror of disconnection and utter silence. But it seems a lifetime ago, or a memory that someone else has shared with me. I am not the Xaelei of the Lab..or the Xaelei of the Borg...the device has been modified.
Now I am asked to help further another project..to the betterment of us all I am certain. The irony, Lieutenant Commander Xaelei Dane Arnimane Chief Science Officer of the Adagio and victim of science...I hope this is better. I do not want to be a victim anymore, I do not want any of us to be a victim...
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Feb 28, 2011 18:01:39 GMT -5
It took everything I had to counter the ISS Adagio's attempts to hack our console interface...it was like I was fighting myself...
Savok's voice, "But you prevailed, there is a reason for your success over your counter-part."
Maybe Savok is right and it is my link to my sisters, or maybe I just had access to more information, or maybe I just got lucky...
Talia's voice, "I doubt their Xae has fared as well as you."
A terrible thought is she is a shackled beast, chained and unleashed as needed...
John's voice, "Just seeing what might had been us, is just unsettling"
You are right John, but maybe not in the way you thought...
Savok's voice, "You do not have to fear being alone..."
If it were only true and so simple Savok, for every one that may be tolerant, there are thousands that judge me as forever damned.
Scott's venomous tone repeats again and again, "Do they have names? Do they have names? Do they have names?"
The Unforgiven...
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Mar 18, 2011 18:58:23 GMT -5
"Xae, I need some rest, you have the conn." Talia said wearily.
A list of possible replies scrolled by, but I chose to simply nod. Perhaps a polite acknowledgment would have sufficed, but all seemed as platitudes. Results are needed, and my coma put me behind.
*Assuming command...organizing and issuing orders. Interrupt- test results positive of nanite treatment*
Finally a break through, I know Talia asked for updates, but she needs rest. This can proceed with the teams as is. I cannot believe a dormant Collective protocol tried to activate and assume control over me...when will it stop....when will I finally be free?
Steel your courage and move forward with an iron will, the battle never ends...
I slowly nod at the wisdom and strength of my sister's words.
I play Shantal's battle theme...and I let the strength of the music move me forward through the constant struggle...
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Mar 20, 2011 7:05:24 GMT -5
"Do you have combat experience?" Kelev had asked.
I found the question rather insulting, though I am not sure why. Most of my Starfleet career had been one of armed conflict, which is well documented in my file, I suppose few actually read those. I should have simply replied with a "yes"....
After a somewhat turbulent and chaotic flight to the base we disembarked and found ourselves under assault.
Do I have combat experience?...
command and control interface, engaged team vital readings, engaged combat triage treatment protocols, engaged targeting systems, engaged melee augmentation system distribution, engaged all systems nominal
play battle music selection
We secured the shuttle and boarded the bird of prey target vessel. Bodies everywhere. Something is wrong.
Initiating system interface... Integration in 120 seconds....
The Orion thinks we are here to help against the "Starfleet" intruders. The team is confused...
Integration complete... Bridge lock down enacted. Opening engineering and navigational command consoles....
Sensors indicate no other life signs on board. This has to be a trap, must warn....
Sharp pain to my spine...critical system failure...blackness...
zzt
zzzrt
ssssss
Initializing....
"Why do you listen to music?", Savok asked. It lets me know I am alive...
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Apr 12, 2011 16:14:38 GMT -5
sometime on her trip back to Deep Space 9 and the Adagio...
Fleet Commander, the title seems fitting. I feel at ease, as if it is something I have always been meant to do. I will have to give it consideration.
memory flashback it seems your nanites completely combated and removed the bioweapon infection...
memory flashback ...the tissue damage was extensive. Part of Xaelei's spinal column disintegrated (between her shoulder blades), the beam passed through her right lung and exited out her right breast. By all counts she should be dead, baring that she should never have full functionality again. Surprisingly, with some engineered materials and organ grafting we were able remove and replace the damaged material and tissue, letting her system do the rest. 67 hours later..it is like she was never injured at all...
memory flashback ...she has far surpassed any other project participate and set a bar we did not envision as possible, it is as if she was born to do this...
memory flashback Alpha 2112 comply with directive 1
Despite all the positive feelings and support, part of me cannot help but wonder that when dealing with me, that people are dealing with an oni....a demon...
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Apr 20, 2011 19:04:52 GMT -5
Personal message from Tallasa Ch'Lyaas V'raaj:
Xae! You sneak! You sent me that video and never said that was you in it! Cygnus spotted you in seconds and I was "like no way!". So we went to her ready room and she sent it over to Shantal to watch, no clue of anything...seconds later her face lights up in the biggest smile (never seen her like that before) and she ecstatically said, "That's Xae!". I had no idea how they picked up on it and that fast, it wasn't even your voice! They insisted that they'd know you anywhere, plus they also recognized the guitar.
I never knew the history and effort behind them getting that guitar, but after years of searching one rather famous and eccentric musician arranged a meeting. He wanted a demonstration, but neither of them can play, but they did show clips of you playing and told him the guitar is meant as a gift for you. He was convinced and said he wanted to make sure someone would use it.
And you do use it..just look at you go girl! You and your group are a sensation here in Gamma Orionis, I even think some of the Klingons are fans! Oh! Shantal sent the clip along to the guy they got the guitar from and asked I send his reply along.
"That was a kick-ass set! You made my decade!"
I also started a fan club and netpage in devotion to the Metal Goddess you are! Lots of hits! Everyone wants to worship at the altar of the Metal Goddess! *Talli bursts into a giggle fit she been holding back the entire message* Still giggling, "Gotz to go! Hugz and kissez for you Xaegirl!"
Oh oh! like p.s. The first song kicked everyone's ass! Everyone wants to know who is your "turbo lover"?! *giggles trail off*
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Apr 22, 2011 18:27:34 GMT -5
Trouble with an awkward or frustrating social situation? Then you need a personal Social Situation Solution Cyborg. Stuck in the social situation you cannot get out of, summon your SSS Cyborg and within seconds the crowd will pleasantly disperse leaving you free to continue your activities! Finding yourself in a frustrating, never ending argument? Again, summon your trusty SSS Cyborg and watch as opposition to your views vanishes in the wink of an eye as your Cyborg implements it's assimilation protocol....
*imaginary commercial sequence stopped*
As ridiculous as that image was, it echos an all too real truth. Literally within minutes of interjecting myself into Talia's conversation, all of the people that she was talking with prior had left and we were alone. I can bear the burden of what I am, aimed at myself, it becomes too much when others I care about suffer for their association with me. My friends are stubborn, odd how that can be a quality of frustration and admiration at the same time. I hope none of us ends up regretting not taking the easy way out...
people are people...
*query found Depeche Mode - People Are People*
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Apr 23, 2011 18:38:43 GMT -5
Player note : It has taken several days after Mr Scott's promotion announcement and the recent perceived feeling of rejection at the K-7 social gathering to invoke an internal struggle resulting in an out burst of jealously, despair and rage within Xae. Though outwardly most will not pick up on her internal struggle.
*the computer chimed that sound dampening fields are activated.*
Xaelei starts to play her guitar with themes ranging for low, sad blues to loud discordant metal.
"I thought she trusted me. I thought she was my friend. Maybe..."
Historical analysis review. Mr Scott was brought on board Adagio as a junior engineering officer with no command experience. Within weeks was taken from engineering role and moved into command track. Within months moved into supplemental executive officer roles and being groomed to proceed forward. In under a year has received a rank promotion and executive officer posting.
"She said she values my input and always needs me."
76.3249% probable she means that she values our input in the context of "Science officer role" and not applicable outside scope of context.
"But why?"
Mr Scott is a superior candidate due to being more malleable to current command systems and protocols, more accepted universally by others and displays competence in role. Even if we display equal to or superior competence, we are not as malleable to current command systems and protocols, we are universally feared and despised by others, we are viewed as more unstable and we cannot be trusted.
"But..."
Mr Scott is known to be distrustful and fearful of Borg. Mr Scott is known to be distrustful and fearful of us, resulting in overt displays of anger and contempt. It is 67.39% probable that Mr Scott was put into position because he better fits the Captain's vision of leadership and personal preference and it is likely the Captain also fears and distrusts us despite verbal assertions otherwise.
*suddenly the guitar playing stops and Xaelei emits such a shriek of agony and despair that grows louder and alters into an awful, unearthly roar...then just as suddenly all is quiet*
"My sandcastle has been stomped on and the tide has risen to wash its remnants away....how could I be so blind?"
"I am a fool, but I will adjust. I will adapt. I will go on...."
Internal integrity check initiated... Internal integrity stabilization initiated... Internal integrity fortification initiated...
"I am forsaken..."
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Apr 24, 2011 6:44:11 GMT -5
Odd how one can reach the depths of despair and on top in the clouds all within hours of each other. The advantage of dealing in the realm of possibly....
We expect mistakes to be made and quickly adjust to the new truths revealed and adopt these truths in our processing and do not dwell on the past.
I met T'ruri on K-7 and gained more insight to her nature and struggles. I hope our discussion was helpful to her and that she is able to achieve some contentment in her life.
We also met a more unique being named Senika. She seems to share many characteristics found in many forms of plants. She gave me a copy of some awful old Earth movie that I am sure Tali will love. Senika said she applied to the 22nd and did not seem daunted as I tried to impart some of the brutal horrors she may face. I did make her promise to "...never loose that warm smile and sunny disposition." She promised and I can only hope it is a promise she can keep. She embodies all that is great about the Federation and all that is worth fighting to protect...
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on Apr 27, 2011 0:20:07 GMT -5
Xaelei sat curled up in the corner of her small couch with her guitar in her lap. Instead of playing, she was idly stroking the long collar of her lavender bath robe as she stared at a paused video on her large wall display screen. The door chimed.
"Enter."
The door slid open and closed behind Talia as she strode into Xaelei's room.
"Talia." , as Xaelei respectfully nodded.
"Xae, I came by to make sure you were actually using some of your leave time", Talia grinned as her head and antennae tilted as she took in the room she has rarely been to.
"Of course I am," Xaelei motioned to the couch next to her and proceeded after Tali sat down, "...I learned long ago the value of reconnecting to what we hold dear and putting in perspective why we are out here, doing what we do."
Talia nodded and smiled as her head turned to the paused video that suddenly went black. Her head snapped back to see Xaelei blushing.
"What was that on the screen?" Talia's antennae perked up in curiosity.
"Just a silly piece of sentiment"
"I love silly sentiment. Please share!", Talia teased.
"It is just a clip from a movie I took a liking too as a girl..."
"Show me!" Talia said with the biggest smile.
"Ok ok. Let me lead into this. It is a long movie and this is my favorite part. The evil army of darkness is laying siege to a city that is the last hope of holding the darkness back. Earlier, messengers dispatched to try and get aid in the defense, there has been no word. The army of darkness is winning and it looks that all hope is lost...
As she watched the movie scene, just as always, she starts to cry. When it is concluded Talia looked over to Xaelei as she was dabbing some tears away.
"What's wrong", Talia asked concerned.
"Nothing. I always get choked up watching it."
"Why?" Talia gently pressed.
"It is the beauty of the spirit in each of us. Faced with overwhelming despair and little hope, they muster their courage and charge forward together. Together we can challenge darkness itself.
Talia looked deep into Xaelei's reflective eyes and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, "You have warrior's heart."
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on May 1, 2011 14:28:10 GMT -5
...routine initiated Memory fragment review commencing...
Ensign Asada's promotion to Lieutenant. Always remember all those counting on you...
Ensign T'irin report disruption in engineering and following mission performance. Ensign, distraction and inefficiency cannot be tolerated, report and deal with issues immediately... She adjusted and performed satisfactorily
Lieutenant Shalabi operating the weapons console. paces as a caged tiger; attacks with unleashed fury; "They will hold the line and will waiting for our return home..."
Commander Kelev assumes new position and role. I stand relieved, the conn is your Mr. Kelev...
Ensign T'ruri struggles with the helm and herself, but performs and achieves. We take risks and operate in a realm where mistakes are not only expected, but necessary; as a Starfleet officer, if you slip and fall you are expected to stand right back up and move forward without missing a stride.
Talia gives her motivational speech. together with strength and honor; Xaea Selei
Talia commands us into the fire. She matches fire with fire as she commands Adagio to engage with fury... She carries the burden of her choices and suffers the pain caused with determination, grace, and alone...
Tali looks at me with care and concern. "If they are half as good as you, then they are truly fierce warriors and be waiting for us to return."
No Tali, it is I that is half of what they are...they are greater than I can ever hope to be....
Everything in life is bittersweet and always seems in contradiction. I take for granted the closeness I share with my sisters. We simply love and accept each other, it is inconceivable for it to be any other way. I was wishing to be close to them before departing, but now that they will be here fighting and in peril, I do not want them here anymore. The rush of emotions as we shared years of events and memories together..the sensation defies description. It will take time for us to review, process and understand all we shared..but the sharing of years of separation was complete.
I heard them whisper in their inner voice, "Xaea Selei". They told me in their journey they reconnected to a fragment in our collective memory and they showed me where it hid inside me. We cannot place the culture, place or time. "Xaea Selei" was this culture's concept of a collective soul and the divine. The peoples' souls did not live separate from each other or their gods, they all lived together in unity. The name of this embodied idea, "Xaea Selei" translates to "voice of us all" and was spoken in religious reverence. My sisters also shared it is the inspiration behind my name, Xaelei, voice of us all...
The pitched battle rages as the task force and the Adagio engaged Klingon force. We can feel and sense each others struggles. It is not a distraction or burden, we bring clarity and focus to each other as well as a strength of spirit greater than any of us could muster alone. I play a song for us...to be the voice and summon the Wishmaster in us all.
It plays as the battle rages and I can sense the distance grows and our link fading. It is a bittersweet agony. It then goes silent as the Adagio breaks through enemy lines. Not complete silence, more like an ever present whisper on the edge of hearing. We are with each other always...Xaea Selei.
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on May 9, 2011 20:32:46 GMT -5
I woke up screaming and flailing about. Breathing heavy and heart racing...then sensory recognition set it...
scanning...location confirmed. Personal quarters aboard Adagio... integrity check commencing... respiratory system stabilizing... circulatory system stabilizing... stress level returning to normalized threshold... all systems nominal...
A dream. I have not had that dream in some time. Of all the things I have experienced or imagined, nothing has horrified me more than the reality of my liberation and time as a test subject at a research facility. It seems our trip to Korvat has stirred up emotions I hoped had settled to the bottom of my soul...
I sat up in bed and hugged my knees close to my chest. My room already had a dim glow of lighting, I do not sleep in the dark. I always have music playing in my inner mind, but just to be certain, there is also a soothing and gentle song playing in my quarters because I never sleep in silence. I inhale the faint sent of jasmine. It is my favorite. It soothes and reminds me of something soft and beautiful, something I wish to be...
The researchers and even Doctor Chase, were so focused....so cold. They only saw out their narrow windows completely heedless to anything outside, all in pursuit of their noble objectives and the greater good. Maybe that is how they can do the things they do...
I told Ansari that this mission would bring out the best and worst in us. I need to focus and follow my own advise to him. Keep your center Xae, she needs you steady now more than ever. Even if you are right Tali and I am not a monster, I am damaged goods. What special someone deserves that? Maybe Savok had that realization and he left to purge his emotions and to forget...I wish him well. He deserves better...
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Post by Cmdr Xaelei Arnimane on May 13, 2011 13:21:50 GMT -5
I returned from my quarters after chatting in the lounge earlier, feeling in a somber mood and reflect on events and loss of the past.
Ansari mistakes optimism for what leaders must be. As a leader, as a Captain, you must exude confidence and unwavering faith. You are the heart and if riddled with self doubt and despair, your beat is erratic and weak and those counting on your leadership reflect the same. You must be the strong and steady beat.
I change into my robe and grabbing my guitar sit on my couch. I look over at the small replica of the Icarus and the small plaque. I read the words and remember...
Though our journey takes us on different paths, we are bound together in the stars. To Captain Arnimane: "May her light never fade from the heavens." From the officers and crew of the Icarus.
Tears start the form as I remember events of the past. The passions..the trials...the victories and the loss. I remember these things as I begin to play and softly sing the song Brothers in Arms
We can only briefly indulge these fancies, alone or with those we intimately trust...
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